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What it’s like to lose your virginity at 14 

This post is part of my sex-ed series. To get these posts in your inbox sign up here

First off, if this title offends you in any way, don’t bother reading any further. Seriously don’t. Unless of course you’re looking to have your judgement converted. In which case, read on.

At age 14 I lost my virginity. Yes this was younger than the average age of my peers. And for that of Lucy Mangan, Stylist columnist who recently confessed that she was 26 when she lost hers. (I want to link you to her article, but for some reason, it can’t be found.)

The year was 1999. I was entering a new chapter in my life that very fall – high school. We both were, in fact. My boyfriend’s name was Kyle. I can’t recall how long we were dating, but I think it was roughly around five months. We went to separate schools, but had met at a basketball tournament. We were both in the same grade, but he was 13, turning 14 in August. In other words, he was my peer. This is a very important part of the story, so take note.

We were infatuated with each other, as hormonal teenagers tend to be in their first serious relationship. He had a single mom and two little brothers living at home. The mother, god bless her, was living life on her terms, not giving a fuck. I was allowed to sleep over (never in the same bed I should mention), and well, she wasn’t around a lot. She was a nurse, and frequently had different boyfriends. She was very independent, and I don’t think she put up with much crap. Looking back, I can’t help but have respect for her. My mom on the other hand…well, you can guess she was not comfortable with me hanging around this woman’s house. But back to the story.

Being the older child, she trusted Kyle to be responsible and independent. And he very much was. He played on the basketball team, practiced skateboarding, didn’t do drugs or drink (at this point anyway), and had recently took on a paper route that he was very excited about. He liked the idea of working hard and making money. Basically, I could have done worse.

Now, before I go on, you need to understand the 14-year-old version of me. I would like to say that not a lot has changed, but I will let you judge for yourself.

By age 12 I had smoked my first cigarette, been drunk a handful of times, and smoked my first joint (albeit not properly as I couldn’t quite grasp the concept of inhaling). I was stealing alcohol and cigarette butts from my parents. We would walk downtown after school on a Friday night and ask someone on the street to buy us a pack of Rothmans. I even used the line, “I forgot my ID, can you please buy me some smokes” once. Oh it was thrilling!

Now you’re probably wondering, “Where the fuck were your parents?!” They were very much there. I liked to think I was good at hiding, but my mom knew what I was up to. Lets just say it didn’t last long. After she cleaned my room and found all the paraphernalia, I got the shaming of a century. Anger came first, sheer and utter disappointment next, then finally, sadness and fear that I was a soul that had lost its way. My sources has run dry, it was uncomfortable as hell at home, and the shaming came to be so much that it was not worth the rebellion. I also wasn’t clever enough to throw it back in their faces – the alcohol and cigarettes came from them, afterall. (If you’re reading this mom, you got lucky).

It’s also important to note that I was the ringleader. No one was making this choice for me but me. I was not afraid of adult-like things; I was just excited to experience them. In fact, not only was I the negative influence on the boys and girls in my grade – but I was negatively influencing the grade ahead of me, too. No victim here. Just a 12-year-old trapped in a 16-year-old mind.

By the time I was 14 I had dried out. I became the teacher’s pet again, and was really interested in doing well in school. I was on all the sports teams, competing in dance, and chairing many of the clubs at school. I was even filling in for the school secretary towards the end of the year. I won the Principal’s Leadership Award, and the Athletics Award. I tell you this not to brag, but to let you know that I was a good kid with a clear head on my shoulders and loads of experience behind me for my age.

There’s one more piece of the puzzle that you need to understand, and this is the crux of my story so listen closely. My mom was more open than other moms when it came to talking about sex. I presume she was anyway based on the fact that she would make penises out of Playdoh (circumcised, and uncircumcised varieties), give us condoms to play with, show us anatomy books and use words like “intercourse”. It may not have been the most thorough in sexual education, but it laid a foundation upon which I would later build my own knowledge. More importantly though, it taught me that sex was natural, that we were all sexual beings, and that it was ok to talk about it. Those early lessons played a key role in helping me to feel comfortable in my own sexuality.

If my early education came from my mom, then my later education came from popular culture, but not the deranged Nicki Minaj version we see now (thank god). By the time I actually started having sex I had amassed a sophisticated knowledge base from Seventeen magazine and the weekly night-time television show Sex with Sue.

Seriously, I knew all the forms of birth control and their corresponding effectiveness rates, I knew all the different STDs, their symptoms and treatments. I knew the technical terms for all my genitalia and his (i.e. vas deferens, labia majora), and the difference between fellatio and cunnlingus. I was basically just a walking, talking sexual health library. The only thing I didn’t know and the only thing they don’t teach you – which is a big fucking gap if you ask me – is the female orgasm. (But that’s a whole different story that I’ll address in another blogpost – watch for it).

Reading horror stories about the sex lives of teenage girls just a few years older than me was an education in and of itself. I grew to understand what high school was like for girls, and what horrible experiences awaited me if I wasn’t smart with my mind and body.

Fast forward to the summer of ’99. I was willing and eager to have sex for the first time, and Kyle was happy to oblige. We talked about it, not at length, but it definitely came up. We planned it as far as we planned a trip to the druggist to buy the condoms. I remember the brand was Lifestyle Condoms (my older sister’s friend had once said they were the best, as if it made much of a difference). I wasn’t on the pill, so I elected for the purple pack, which included the nonoxynol-9 spermicide, which is basically bug repellent but for semen.

We did it one evening when no one was home. It was hot as hell outside and fortunately he had an air conditioning unit in his room. I will go as far to say that it hurt, but more like a dull pain, and not like those unfortunate stories where the young woman bleeds. Because losing one’s virginity as a woman is so often turned into a spectacle – why else are we all more likely to know what a hymen is than a clitoris, and why do common phrases like “pop your cherry” exist? – I was aware that there would be pain. I don’t recall much more other than that it was pretty satisfactory as far as first times go.

I have absolutely zero regrets from the experience. In fact, I’ll always be grateful to have had that experience, during that time of my life, and with that person. (Not that I know where he is now or that we ever stayed friends. But still, it was all good.)

That is, until my mom found out. Actually, I changed my mind. This is the crux of story, so again listen closely. If you or any of the women in your life were like me at 14, then you’ll know that irregular periods are sometimes a fact of life. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re pregnant, but it may cause you to think you are. And somehow moms just intuitively know when you’re having these thoughts (call it maternal telepathy). She asked me if I had sex, and I told her the truth.

Despite how open she was about sex in the past, her reaction was closer to when she found out I was a 12 years old and destined for rehab. She was horribly disappointed, which never really sat well with me. I could understand her point-of-view when I was 12 and consuming carcinogens, but this? This was different. I was educated, I knew what I was doing, and I was 100% ready. What’s more, I was doing something that she had once told me was a natural thing to do.

She asked if I used a condom, and I said yes. She asked if I used two for good measure, and I explained that the friction between two latex condoms could cause tears, thereby reducing their effectiveness. (Ha! Who’s smarter now mom?)

In all fairness, it couldn’t have been easy raising a self-righteous teenager like me. She reacted in the way I’m sure any parent of a young woman would: She even went to our GP for advice. I had to go in for a physical examination, and was promptly put on the birth control pill. Despite the fact that my mother and GP were both women – and surely had seized being virgins at one point, too – I never felt more judgement and shame directed at me. I could just feel the absolute horror they felt towards my actions, as if I was murdering small animals or children.

The adjective “fallen” has three meanings in the dictionary: 1) soldiers who die in battle, 2) those having sinned (in the context of theology), and 3) a woman regarded as having lost her honour through engaging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage.

I felt like I was being treated like a “fallen woman”. (For the record, I hate that term and what it represents. There is no equivalent word for men or corresponding perception for that matter. Collectively we should put that term, and its corresponding views, to death.)

But more good things than bad came from losing my virginity when I did. You’ll recall that Kyle was my peer. We experienced sex for the first time together. Both of us were beginners with no legacy, no ego and nothing to prove or social stature to gain. Having this experience early on was hands down the best offensive strategy when it came to navigating the sexual politics of high school. No way was I ever going to be fresh meat in the shark pit. In a school where older boys dated younger girls, I was never going to be anyone’s conquest. If anything, I was going to be the conqueror.

For those who may be wondering whether an early sexual experience is a gateway for high-risk behaviour – I’m a testament to the fact that it’s not. I’ve never become pregnant or contracted an STD. And I’ve never had a bad (read: uncomfortable, unpleasant, or violent) experience. I’ve been really lucky, but I’ve been really smart too. Thanks in part to my mom for having that sexual dialogue with me early on.

But there is so much work to be done around how we educate young children about sex. I know my experience was an anomaly. I know most parents leave sexual education up to the schools to teach, or at least, this was the case for most of my friends, past and present. But it’s not enough. The school curriculum doesn’t teach the importance of the female orgasm or masturbation (or at least it didn’t in my day). And I question whether the use of condoms is ingrained from an early age? So often we believe we need to prevent pregnancy, but what about disease? Why is menstruation only taught to girls and not boys? Shouldn’t that be a joint part of the curriculum?

There are so many ways that we let down our young women when it comes to their sexuality. We apply a double standard to all things from the onus of birth control to menstruation. We fail to socialize both girls and boys on the importance of equal pleasure. And worst of all, we judge them when they embrace their sexuality. Look at all the words we have to describe sexually active women (slut, whore, skank, easy, promiscuous), and try to think of the words we have to describe the same for men (player, stud…I can’t think of any others).

Until we start parking our perceptions about young girls who lose their virginity at 14, we will forever be trapped in a cycle of sexual inequality.


You might also like:

How to Have Sex and Not Be Labeled a Slut

Blowjobs: An act of submission?

Why wasn’t I told?! Learning how to masturbate and what it could mean for gender equality

What to do when the condom breaks or falls off?


***I’m not a sexual health expert, doctor or health practitioner. The advice I offer here is simply what I would do if I were in your particular situation and is based on my personal experience. I advise everyone to seek out medical help / support / guidance when it comes to practicing sex as this is a key step to making sure it’s safe and healthy.*** 


  1. Leigh Leigh

    Another excellent and honest post Brooke! I was 13 and have absolutely no regrets. The best part of this post is the commentary on sexual education – bang on! (minimal pun intended)

      • Amy Amy

        How do you get ready for sex. Physically So that I feel comfortable and the person I’m interracting with. XD IM SO SORRY IF THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION but I’m extremely insecure about my body and I don’t want my first time to be even more awkward THAN ITS MEANT TO BE XD

        • Hey Amy. Thanks for reaching out. I’m afraid there’s no easy answer to your question: how do you physically get ready for sex? Well that’s not true. There’s load of shit you can read online and in magazines about how to get the “perfect body”. And there’s equally loads of crap online about how to get your body specifically ready for sex (i.e. bikini waxing, anal bleaching – I’m thinking about the pornography industry and I strongly caution you from taking in any of these ideas. They will just warp your mind and make you a severely unhappy person. So don’t go there please).

          Also, know this: You are not alone in feeling extremely insecure about your body. Every teenager – male and female – feels the same way you do at one point or another. And I’m sorry to say that insecurity doesn’t go away with age. So many people, girls especially, struggle with their body image. The only solution that I have personally found to work for me is to do my best by looking after my health. This means I’m always trying to be active, whether that’s walking for 30-40 minutes a day, going to the gym or doing resistance training (push up, squats, lunges, burpees) in my living room. If I don’t remain active on a daily basis, I develop anxiety and depression, so I have very strong reasons to keep it up. I also try to eat healthy whole foods, vegetables, grains, etc. and stay away from things like coke or fast food (or instant potatoes, or Kraft Dinner, etc.). I’m by no means perfect, but striving to be physically active and eating well in day-to-day life does so much for my mental health and confidence, that it’s now my go-to-plan whenever I’m feeling bad about my body or image.

          Now in the context of sex, I’m going to tell you something that I read in a men’s magazine years ago. It was a Q&A column, and it was a man answering women’s questions. One of the questions was about this woman’s body – and how she felt ashamed of it and how it was affecting her sex life (i.e. her ability to be naked in front of her boyfriend). The guy responded with the simplest but most telling advice I ever heard…which was that guys just love love love naked women. Period. They are so excited and pumped to see a naked woman in their bed; they are not even seeing the things that we’re hung up on. In my experience (which is a lot) this is 100% true. If you’re with a guy and he’s commenting on or making you feel bad about your body, he’s a loser, a bully, and a piece of shit that does not deserve to have you speak to him, let alone be in your presence while you’re naked. Got it?

          There’s one more thing I want to say about this before I move on to your next question…When you find a someone who is kind, loving, respectful of both your mind and your body, all your inhibitions will melt away and you’ll be in a blissful state together, enjoying each other’s bodies. You won’t care about what your body looks like, if anything, you’ll feel more confident than ever. So unless the guy you’re with makes you feel this way, then I would say give him the boot. He’s not sexually compatible with you, and the sex is most likely to be a disappointment. You will know before you get to the stage of intercourse. It will be apparent in the way he holds your hand, hugs you, treats you in front of your friends, and how he kisses you. It will be so enjoyable there will be no doubt in your mind that he is the right sexual partner for you.

          Now on to your next question. The sexting one…Please please please do not take naked pictures of yourself and send them to boys. I guarantee you with all my heart and soul that he is sharing these photos with his friends and soon they will be plastered all over the internet and the halls of your school and you will be known as the fool who got naked for the world to see. This might sound harsh but it’s true. Naked photos are such a risky thing – I mean look at the Jennifer Lawrence photos that came out…a horrifying experience that you will never look down. Tell this 15 year old to take a cold shower because you, my friend, are pure class and you will never de-value yourself by sending him naked pictures. Got it?

      • Amy Amy

        I also need some advice : well some more XD hehe sorry for the time waste gosh *.-. There’s a 15 year old asking me for nudes but I’m WAY YOUNGER well not young young but Y O U N G hehe not like 10 but trust me my age is quite young And he’s asking me to send them I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON HIM and I feel as if the more I say no the more I feel bad ._. I know I won’t do it but what should I say ._.

      • Josey Josey

        Hey I’m 14 and me and my bf’s converstaion seems to be about sex nowadays. I finally asked him if he would want to but he told me as long as I’m ready. This boy is actually my friends ex but I can’t help who I like and yeah I know, that’s a fucked up move. Anyways, we’ve talked about it and he explained to me how he’ll be careful and we’ll take everything slowly. I definitely wanna have sex with him. I have condoms too. My two greatest fear is hurting my friend through the process if she finds out somehow and my other fear is that it’s going to hurt really bad the first time. I need advice. p.s me and the boy are the same age. And heads up to, he’s a very very popular jock and I’m not the prettiest girl in our school, and I’m average on the social scale so I’m also wondering just a little bit.

        • Hey Josey. I love your comment, it’s got all the elements of what it’s like to be a teenager: dating, friendship, sex, popularity. It reminds me of when I was a teenager ☺

          Lets start with your greatest fears: that your friend will find out and that sex will hurt.

          If you refer to this guy as your boyfriend does that mean it’s official and everyone knows you two are dating? Or are you guys just seeing each other on the downlo? I ask this because if she already knows you two are dating and is fine with it, I wouldn’t worry about the sex part. If she’s given you her blessing – so to speak – then it’s not really her business what you do with him in the privacy of your bedroom. That being said, I think it’s good that you’re worried about her feelings and not wanting to hurt her. When I was about 13 I dated this guy Andrew for 6 months. We never had sex or anything, but I really liked him. We broke up and he went for my very best friend, Jen. Jen called me out of the blue one night and asked me if she could date him. It absolutely broke my heart but I never let on. I genuinely wanted her to be happy, and I didn’t want anyone to know that I was heart broken. I also wanted to come off as the bigger person, and wanted to be cool about it. After that experience, whenever friends would run into a similar situation, I also advised them to just be cool. It’s better that you’re friend and your ex find happiness together then no one be happy. If she doesn’t know that you two are dating then I think you should tell her because she will find out, and it’s better that she finds out from you then someone else. Be prepared for her not to be happy about it. If she would want you to stop dating him, would you be willing to do that? How important is your friendship with her versus your relationship with him? Let me know because I’m interested to know more about the situation….

          Second fear: it will hurt. I wouldn’t worry about this too much. In all honesty, it will be over in like 1 minute (lol). Also, it’s like anticipating the pain of getting your ears pierced. You can worry about it all you want, but it will only serve to make the pain worse. As long as you’re really aroused at the time and use condoms, even use lube if you can buy it – it will be fine.

          On that point, I’m really glad you have condoms and you’re prepared to use them. That is absolutely key, so good job.

          The last thing I want to address is the last thing you said: he’s a very popular jock and you supposedly are “not the prettiest girl” and are average in terms of popularity. I applaud you for recognizing the social politics of your school, that being said, please don’t let these politics control you. Rather, you should control or manipulate them to your advantage. The number one way to do that is through confidence and self-respect. He might be a popular jock, which gives him lots of credibility his peers, but you can earn just as much credibility, if not more, by how you behave with him, with your friend and how you conduct yourself at school. I wrote a post recently that you might want to read and it talks about this:

          Also – don’t sell yourself short. I don’t know much about you to rhyme off all your strengths but I’m most certain you are a good-looking girl with a lot of things going for you. Otherwise, why would he be interested? Just remember that he – not you – is lucky to be in this situation. Got it?


      • Josey Josey

        Thanks for replying back! So, my friend actually doesn’t know. I absolutely do not want to tell her. I mean I guess I will have to sooner or later. I’ll probably be called a slut if she finds out then they whole school will find out lol. Anyways, yeah I’ll be planning to tell her soon. So yeah, he’s quite popular. His ex-girlfriend is popular and she’s one of my friends, we played on the same volleyball team. So one day me and him were texting and he told me that he always looked at my butt when we were playing so I told him why wasn’t he looking at McKenna’s, his girlfriend. He told me because she’s prude and she doesn’t have a butt like me. So I got curious that if he was looking at another girls butt while having a girlfriend, he could do the very same to me. We’ve definitely talked more and more about telling everyone but we just haven’t made that decision yet, together. I know that his ex, my friend will be mad if we just tell everyone and not tell her first because then she’ll look stupid, so I’ll just tell her before. Oh, and another thing, I’ve been looking at websites and stuff, that’s how I found this blog, I found something that says something about feeling regretful after sex or depressed or something. I’m 100% sure about hooking up with this guy,mi just don’t wanna be depressed after everything. Also, if the whole school finds out, I will be labeled a slut, and that can’t happen! ugh teenage years is so complicated!!! lol

        • Ok so I’m going to tell you what I would do if it was me in this situation. Feel free to follow my advice, or not. It’s totally up to you.

          So first and foremost, how close am I to this friend? Is she like my very best friend or a casual acquaintance? Either way, I’m going to honour girl code, and tell her privately one-to-one that I’ve been seeing Luke (I’m going to call him Luke for the sake of this story because I like the name and think it’s sexy). I’m going to make sure I do this outside school hours and when it’s just me and her, one-to-one. And here’s why: If she gets really upset I want her to be able to feel safe, secure and in the least vulnerable position possible. If she feels upset and angry and there are other people around or she doesn’t have privacy then this is just going to fuel her anger towards me. (Heck she might not even give a shit, but I’m guessing she will). I’m also going to remember basic human nature, and that despite the fact that she should be angry at Luke as well, she is likely only going to be angry with me, because I am her friend, I went behind her back and I should know better. And because guys get away with murder – let’s face it.

          Before I go any further with Luke, I’m going to have this conversation with my friend. (Let’s call her Zoe, just for fun). I’m going to put dating, sexting, finger fucking, everything on hold until I have this conversation. Because first and foremost, I have self-respect, and part of having respect for oneself is having respect for others. Because I respect Zoe as a friend and person, I’m going to tell her what’s been up. I’m also going to be super apologetic, and admit that I should have come to her sooner, and that I will stop seeing Luke if that’s what she wants. This will show her that I have the utmost respect for her and that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her deliberately. This will show her that I’m on team Zoe, that I’m her friend, and that I have her back. She will then admit that she is a bit upset, and that she’s just happy I was honest with her, and that she found out through me and not through my snapchat.

          This can now either go one of three ways.

          Way 1-
          Zoe says, YES she wants me to stop seeing Luke, I will say OK. This immediately puts me on the moral high ground above everyone else, above Luke, above Zoe, and above everyone else in the school. Truth.

          Being the bigger person and delaying instant gratification will automatically heighten my social status, my integrity, and my confidence. Six months down the line, once Luke has fucked one or two freshmen (or someone of lesser status than me), Luke’s hotter, smarter, funnier, richer friend James will start hitting on me. He always thought I had a nice butt (because I do – obvs) and he liked the fact that I wouldn’t just put out for anyone – least not to Luke. He finds my self-respect sexy, he hasn’t dated any of my friends (or checked their butts out while he was trying to date me). We hit it off, and with no extra baggage, end up having a pretty great relationship and sex life. (And a massive win for me because James’ dick is 10x the size of Luke’s. Lolz.) The end.

          Way 2-
          Zoe says, YES she wants me to stop seeing Luke, I say NO. I like him, he likes me, and why shouldn’t the two of us be happy?? She says fine but now resents me. Luke and I proceed in our relationship and have sex. He ends up telling his football buddies, then the whole school finds out. Not a big deal because he’s a good looking guy and I’m rather proud that he is mine. Meanwhile, Zoe doesn’t want to hang out with me as much and I see her whispering to our other friend Michelle a lot when I’m around. Our friendship starts to decline because she doesn’t trust me and never got over me hurting her. Our mutual girlfriends find out, and one or two of them start throwing me shade and calling me a slut because I violated the “Chicks before dicks” rule. They don’t trust me around their boyfriends and / or they think I’m a bitch. I now have a few less friends and my popularity takes a hit. I get invited to less parties.

          A few months later, Luke starts looking at another girl’s butt. She’s way less prettier than me, but her butt is huge, and she has a reputation for being a “slut”. They share 6th period together and many inside jokes. Soon I see he has a private message from her on instagram, and that he’s liked all of her half-naked selfies. Things start becoming tense between Luke and I, and he breaks up with me and starts dating that “whore from instagram”. Zoe posts a meme that says “Karma is a bitch” and everyone knows it’s about me. I’m sad, left without a friend, and the guy I really liked and had sex with no longer feels the same way about me. I didn’t think it would be this way, but I forgot it’s high school and people move on as fast as they change their hair extensions.

          Way 3-
          Zoe says she’s a bit upset but she’s happy I came to her first before finding out like everyone else. She gives us her blessings and makes sure to invite us both to her house this weekend. Her parents are out of town and she’s having a massive party. We stay friends.

          Luke and I go ahead and have sex. It hurts the first time but because everything else surrounding the situation is now OK, the hurt is more physical and less emotional. And because I now I have my friend’s support, I know I can go to her if I’m upset afterwards (and I don’t have to keep talking to some werido adult in London on her blog). I know she’s also not going to trash talk me to any of my other friends, and that I’m loved and supported by her.

          The End.

          (Does this help?)

      • May May

        Hi Brooke , I’m 14 in a relationship with a boy 2 years younger then me (12 years old but acts my age) and we keep having a lot of sexual conversations. he is ready for sex but said that he will wait for me and I know that I am but don’t know what to do because of our age!! My most important fear is our age and upsetting/disappointing my family. I have an older sister but do not feel comfortable speaking to her about this as we haven’t got a close relationship and my mum left when I was 4 years old so I live with my dad and it’s a no go to speak to him about it!!! Please help!!!

        • Hi May. Thanks for your comment and I’m sorry to hear you don’t have many people you can talk to about this. I’ll do my best to offer you some advice, but please know that I’m not a sexual health expert or anything. The advice I offer is only what I would do if I were in your situation. I’ve talked about this before with lots of people (on this thread and in person) and one of the things that really stands out from my experience being a positive one is that my boyfriend and I were the same age – we were peers. He was 6 months younger than me, but we were both born in the same year (1985), had been through the same things, were in the same grade, etc. I know age is just a number and the purpose of me sharing this very personal experience was to challenge ideas of what’s acceptable sexual behaviour. But my concern is that your boyfriend is not yet a teenager. Have these conversations about sex involved contraception? Do you both understand what could happen if you got pregnant? Have you bought condoms? What would you do if your parents or friends found out? I have a check list that you can go to see if you’re ready. The idea is if you can’t say yes to every item on this checklist then you should wait. Personally I don’t see anything wrong with the two of you waiting until he’s older. You can still do all the exciting stuff teenagers do before they have sex like go on dates, hold hands, kiss and make out, etc. Just don’t rush into sex for the sake of it. And if there’s any fear surrounding it I would wait. You don’t want the experience to shrouded in fear. I don’t know if this helped at all? I’m here to answer any other questions you might have xx

          • May May

            Thanks Brooke that help to have someone else’s opinion on the situation I understand you view on his age tat was the same concern I had and yes we have spoke about protection I am on the pill and got condoms ☺️ I will go and check your check list and make sure everyone is a yes first ! Again thanks for your support


  2. Rhosewen Rhosewen

    Hello my bf wants me to have sex with him but I’m terrified…. I said yes I would thinking he was joking but he’s not, I want to but I’m scared….. My friends think it’s a bad idea but idk…. What do you think I should do???

    • Hi Rhosewen. Thanks for reaching out. My advice would be if it’s not a “hell yes” in your mind then it’s a definite no. I really wanted to have sex. Which made the first time having sex a great experience. My guess is if you did it, and you weren’t 100% into it, then it’s probably not going to be a great experience. Because truthfully, first-time sex is awkward, so everything else leading up to it must be just right to cancel out any awkwardness. Does that make sense? You should be super horny and dying to do it. Otherwise, just wait until you are. And if your boyfriend doesn’t understand then give him the boot. If he doesn’t respect your decision then he’s not likely to be a great lover, and there’s an even greater chance that the experience will be a traumatising one. Hope this helps? If you have any other questions just let me know. B

    • I should also mention that, unsurprisingly, guys love to have sex. If this guy isn’t down for it on your terms, there will be 100 other guys lining up to have sex with you whenever you want. Always make sure it’s on your terms. And don’t worry about pleasing any one guy. Just please yourself and you’ll be OK.

  3. Lilly Lilly

    Hi there. Love your story, read the whole thing. Frankly, I’m 14 and, like you, I’m trapped in this body and feel so much older. This is so encouraging. My boyfriend, two years older than me, is semi-on, semi-off. He’s unsure. I’m not fully sure about this either, however I feel he’s given me so much for the past 3 years that I want to do it together when he’s ready. I can’t drive, I can’t get condoms or pills. My parents are ever protective as I get older and venture to independance. I want to brace myself for what lies ahead, and I’m scared of his capabilities to get me pregnant if he does so accidentally (hence, I’m not ready quite yet). If we get close to it I hope I’m prepared next time. Any tips? Thank you!

    • Hi Lilly. Thanks for writing to me. It’s really lovely to hear about your life and the decisions you’re facing. I remember 14 well and it was one of the best years of my life. From what you’re telling me it also sounds like you’re also in a healthy, supportive relationship – which is awesome! I also like the sound of your bf being unsure as to whether he wants to have sex – it’s a nice change from the standard cliché of older guys pressuring younger girlfriends to have sex. So massive props to him for recognizing he may not be ready.

      What’s preventing you from getting condoms AND pills? (I’m stressing AND because I think you should try to line up both forms of contraception to be extra cautious and have peace-of-mind). Is it because you can’t drive and therefore can’t go to the store without your parents? Is it financial reasons? I ask because as a young woman, you have loads of amazing resources available to you and it’s pretty easy nowadays to get condoms and birth control without getting consent from your parents.

      Depending where you live, you can usually find a sexual health clinic. They usually operate on a drop-in or appointment basis, and they’re very discrete. So it’s a great alternative to having to go to your family GP. They usually offer free contraception as well (birth control pills and condoms) – so definitely do a google search to see if there’s one in your area. And if you can’t get anyone to drive you, can you take public transit or walk?

      My advice to you is to take this first step and line up a birth control plan for when you are finally ready to have sex. Even if you choose not to have sex anytime soon, it’s a very important step to take. It will help you grow as a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself and takes charge. ☺

      And finally – under no circumstances should you ever ever EVER have sex without a condom!!! I cannot stress this enough. Condoms are sooooooo important – not just for birth control but for protecting you from STIs. You DO NOT want to get chlamydia, HPV, HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease. And I’m telling you – it happens. I had a girlfriend who contracted chlamydia through a cheating boyfriend, and another girlfriend contract HPV (which can lead to cervical cancer), just through having sex without a condom. So please, promise me you will use condoms diligently. Hope this advice helps?? Brooke xx

      • Lilly Lilly

        That is so sweet. Thank you for taking the time to write back.
        I found a sexual clinic recently, in fact, near where I live.
        They sell free condoms, not sure if they sell the pill, (however if they sell condoms, pretty sure they’d sell the pill, if I’m wrong that’s a little farfetched).
        Its about 30 minutes by bike away from where I am.
        It’s incredibly enouraging to have someone to talk to.
        Stupid question incoming. Is it possible to get STDs even if it’s the couple’s first time?
        Thanks for the time! xoxo

        • My pleasure glad I could help! OK – in terms of STDs (I believe they’re now called STIs now – sexually transmitted infections). If you and your partner never had sex before, it’s highly unlikely that either one of you have contracted an STI, and therefore it’s highly unlikely that you will transmit it to each other. If neither one of you have had sex, then you essentially have not come in contact to any STIs as the majority of these are transmitted through sexual intercourse. There are exceptions, however, that are very rare. Some STIs you can contract nonsexually through sharing sheets or towels, intraveneous drug use, at birth or through breastfeeding. Pubic lice (i.e. crabs) is an example. So though it’s safe to say you wouldn’t give each other an STI, that is assuming that neither one of you had contracted one through any of these means. It’s also assuming that you 100% know for sure that your partner has had no previous sexual partners. In your case I’m assuming this is true. But it’s in your best interest to use a condom. Personally, I could never stand it when my sexual partner ejaculated inside of me. This might sound really gross and TMI, but it’s very physically uncomfortable – if you’re like me you will likely have to change your underwear multiple times a day as the semen will literally leak out of your vagina throughout the day (or if you cough). It’s also very itchy and can sting if you have any chaffing from friction (which also can happen if you have sex without a condom). Let me know if you have any other questions and I hope I can help. xx

          • Lilly Lilly

            Jesus, you’re a life saver. I promise I’ll use a condom. When I go to the clinic this summer I’ll let you know how it went. It’s so great to have a caring person to talk to about this! Of course it’s not TMI, lol. I’m asking for help! It’s alright to go on the little gross side. It’s very helpful, nonetheless.
            Thank you a ton. ♡

      • Brayden Watkins Brayden Watkins

        Hello, I am 14 just like you were. My girlfriend is currently obsessed with the idea of having sex. It surprises me. Because she’s never talked about it. And we’ve been together for 2-3 years.
        I’ve asked her if she’s really down for it and she gives me a “hell yeah”. I wonder if you could give me advice? Thanks a bunch! (^ω^)

        • Hey Brayden. Thanks so much for your message. I always talk to girls about whether or not they feel ready to have sex with their boyfriends, but this is my first time talking to a guy! My question for you is this: Are YOU ready to have sex? It’s important that both of you feel ready if you’re going to do it (as in, both of you need to say “hell yeah”, not just the one). And don’t you dare feel bad if you’re not ready. That’s a perfectly honest and honorable thing to admit to.

          If you are ready, then why don’t you two seriously talk about it? Figure out a timeline, a location, get your contraception sorted and decide how you’ll handle things afterwards (i.e. will you tell your respective friends? What happens if it changes things in your relationships – how would you both feel if it did, etc.).

          And if I were you, I would go to the store and buy your own condoms. Get them home, read the instructions, watch a youtube video if need be, and figure out how to properly put them on. You can do this with your girlfriend, but if you feel more comfortable doing it alone that’s a good idea too.

          Now in terms of general advice about having sex for the first time – please keep in mind that it can hurt women, so it’s best to go slow and gentle. And for advice regarding sex on the whole, I’ll say to you what I would say to my future son – always, always, always, always wear a condom. You would be surprised at how many stories I’ve heard of girls being “on the pill” or whatever, and guys negligently having sex without protection, and they end up with unwanted pregnancies. It happens all the time. Do not rely on the girl to protect you from unwanted pregnancies. It is your responsibility to protect your penis from STIs and unwanted pregnancies. If the condom doesn’t feel good (understandably) then buy some lubricant and use them together. Lube will take away any condom discomfort and it’s not lame to have some in your bedside drawer (I use it everytime I have sex).

          And the best advice I can give you at the very beginning of your sexual experience is this: Always be a generous lover. Put her needs before yours. Focus on her pleasure.

          It’s a shame that we’re not taught this in school, but women have orgasms just like men do. If you have sex with your lover and you finish but she doesn’t, that’s not a very good experience for her. I remember I once dated a French guy and I was amazed that at the age of 28 he didn’t realize women had orgasms. It took me 6 months to teach him that. Don’t let that be you! Try and make her have an orgasm with your tongue, fingers, whatever…just try and do it before you start having sex. It’s a good idea to know what each other likes in terms of foreplay before you start having sex, as sex is only as good as the foreplay you have before. Sometimes it takes women a lot longer to feel the great rush that is an orgasm…which is why foreplay is essential. She should be climbing up the walls with excitement before you put your penis inside of her vagina.

          I hope this advice helps?


  4. Skye Skye

    How badly does it hurt and how do you know when your really ready?

    • Hmmmm, well it does hurt. But it’s not a describable pain. And so long as your partner is considerate and goes slow, it’s not that bad, and only really hurts on the first time. And to answer your question about how do you know when you’re really ready? When there is absolutely, positively no doubt in your mind. You’re just so looking forward to it and you’re pumped for the experience. If you’re not just dying to have sex, I would say you’re probably not ready. But only you can judge. Trust your instincts – are you gung-ho! or a bit hesitant. If there is any hesitation in your mind, then you are not ready. Does that make sense? Brooke xx

  5. Official Raphy Official Raphy

    Wow cheers to that girl were on the Same age it hasn’t harm my career unlike most of the girl who lose at 20 + become ratchet hoes.. Hoes will be hoes loosing Virginity earlier doesn’t mean ur nasty it mean u experienced earlier then the rest Much respect and support ??????

    • I would agree with you here. I think it all comes down to confidence and self-respect. And sadly, I think a lot of women don’t have this, especially when it comes to their own bodies. Which is a shame.

  6. jessica jessica

    A older guy told me his still a virgin (his 17) and I’m only 14 . He wants me to be his first . I really wanna experiment but I don’t wanna do the wrong thing .

    • Hi Jessica. Thanks for sharing your story with me. I’m sure this guy is lovely, sweet and an all-around amazing guy. BUT…just because he wants you to be his first, doesn’t mean you have to be. Also, are you sure he’s a virgin? No offence, but it could be a story he’s telling you just to get you to sleep with him. Again, I don’t know the guy and I could be 100% wrong. (In fact I probably am). Do you want to have sex? Are you like so horny that you’re just dying to have sex? I’m not an expert, but unless you’re like “HELL YES LET’S DO THIS!!!” then I would suggest wait until feel this way. But if you do feel that way and you are going to have sex, then please god use a condom. And if he says he doesn’t want to use a condom, then definitely don’t have sex with him. That’s a sign that he’s not worth losing your virginity to. Guys that are sexy, amazing lovers are the ones that take their health (and yours) seriously and want to have protected sex. I don’t know if that helps at all? Brooke xx

  7. Nyla Nyla

    Ok what about the bible. He says that any fornicaters will not be allowed in the kingdom of heaven and that the only sex god allows are marriage sex. Are you ok with doing something god specificly asked not to do or are you just not religious? And would you be okay with you’re daughter sneaking around behind youre back or would you allow her to have sex at 14 too?

    • Well, I don’t have a 14 year old daughter yet (I would love to have a daughter someday and hopefully I’ll be lucky enough to have one because I think girls are amazing), so I can only answer your question hypothetically. I also realize that people change when they have children. Their theories of what kind of parent they want to be often fly out the door the day a child is born, so I get that. But if I had a 14 year old daughter, it would be hypocritical of me to condemn her actions of having sex or “sneaking around behind my back” as you say, as clearly I did the same thing. I think teenagers sneak around because parents have a difficult time watching them grow up, and parents too often are trying to stifle their development because they don’t want their kids to make the same mistakes they did, or because they’re losing control of their child as their child becomes an adult and that scares them.

      To answer your question about god, the bible, etc. The bible was written thousands of years ago at a time and a place much different from now. I appreciate that many of the principles in the bible are helpful to society and are great beacons to guide your life from, but I also think much of it – and the institution of religion – is irrelevant and not-applicable to present day. Also, I don’t really believe in god in the form that you are referring to. I question the existence of a supreme being and the existence of heaven or hell and an afterlife. So obviously I wouldn’t live my life according to the principles that a god or an afterlife mandate. I think humans are evolutionary, sexual beings who are going to have sex whether some priest/minister/divine being appointed by god tells them to or not. And frankly, I’d rather be pragmatic when it comes to preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections than just hoping and praying that my kid doesn’t have sex. I’m presuming you’re reading this post because you have a child that you suspect is having sex and you’re looking for answers? All I can say is that I wish you support him or her whatever their decision may be and help them on their journey so they have the safest one possible.

  8. Paige Paige

    I lost my Virginity when i was 14 a week before i turned 15 to a senior (17) i told my best friend and she called me a hoe but i don’t think i am i did it just like you to have fun but am i a hoe for the age gape?

    • First and foremost. You are NOT a “hoe”. A “hoe” is a derogatory term for a prostitute – someone who professionally has sexual intercourse in exchange for money. I think the term “hoe” is misused and abuse often out of context. So needless to say, you are not a “hoe”. Secondly – and most importantly – this friend of yours is obviously not a friend if she is calling you names and passing judgement. She sounds like she’s not supportive of you and I always advocate that you surround yourself with people who love and support you. You should distance yourself from this woman now. And also, that age gap is nothing to be concerned of in my humble opinion. That sounds like the standard high school age gap for most couples. I might be concerned if he was 20 or 21, but 17 is basically the same maturity level as you. Please just promise you will use a condom religiously from here in?

  9. Paige Paige

    Always i will use a condom thanking for getting back to me its what i needed to hear i will being taking your advice thanks again

  10. lanaaa lanaaa


    My boyfriend and i have been talking a lot lately– the last time we hung out we made out, he fingered me and i gave him a hj… honestly it was great and now i know he wants to have sex but I’m honestly not sure, and I’m just pretty confused right now. I wanna have respect for myself and because of all the negativity nowadays towards this and if people found out i would feel awful. i have two friends who have had sex and several times and they’re known as the biggest sluts ever and i don’t even know, can you just give me some input. ALSO, (sorry haha) so my bf fingered me and i kinda want him to use more but i don’t know how i would get him to like what do i do so this is possible LOL btw this post really helped!

    • Do you mean use more fingers? Haha. My suggestion for that is to always guide them – just tell them what you like (or even better, show them). Put your hand on top of his and show him the way! Guys love that stuff and think it’s a massive turn on. And if he doesn’t like feedback then it’s a massive red flag that he will be lousy in bed. (If he’s not keen on doing whatever it takes to please you at this stage, he’s not going to care when it comes to sex, and you really don’t want to experience sex for the first time on those terms – trust me, it will be a bad experience).

      Now, the first thought that popped in my head after reading your story was “why does she feel the need to rush into sex after being fingered for the first time?” From my personal experience, it was a couple years of hand jobs and dry humping before I had sex. So my advice to you would be this: don’t feel like you have to rush into sex just because you’re starting to explore your sexuality with your boyfriend. Take your time, enjoy the manual stimulation. A penis is a big step up from a few fingers, and you kinda need to work your way up to it.

      It’s also important that you establish a sexual relationship with your bf that’s based on lots of foreplay before intercourse (penis into vagina action) ever happens. Just to clarify, foreplay can be anything that gets your body properly aroused and physically ready for sex. Like when it starts wriggling and thrusting, and your vagina is “wet”.

      I feel like every woman I know (including myself) has put up with bad sex FOR YEARS all because we didn’t demand lots of foreplay from our sexual partners. If you spend a decent amount of time fooling around (it usually takes me 20 minutes, depending on the mood I’m in), I promise you will have a much healthier sexual relationship. (Especially for when you decide to have sex).

      It’s sooooooo important that you and your boyfriend understand what it takes to give you a proper orgasm. This isn’t really taught in school, but women can have orgasms the same as men. And you don’t need to have sex to have an orgasm – neither of you do. He can have an orgasm from you giving him a hand job and vice versa.

      In my experience, the key is to stimulate your clitoris (that’s the part that’s above your vagina opening – it’s hooded and covers your urethra / pee hole).

      The great news is, you or your bf can stimulate this area with your hands, or he could use his tongue, or you could climb on top of him and rub up and down as if you were having sex – but you remain clothed. See, there are loads of ways to explore sex without having sex.

      The second part of your question – about people finding out, your friends who have sex and now have reputations as “sluts” (I hate that word and have banned it from my vocabulary)…

      The reality is, it’s nobody’s business what you do with your body. So fuck them. But I appreciate that you have a reputation you want to maintain, and so I would suggest that you only have sex when you’re 100% confident in the decision so that you can face whatever may happen afterwards as a strong, smart woman. And I suggest you agree with your boyfriend the terms around your sexual relationship – that you want to keep it private and you don’t want it discussed about openly. He should respect this and if he doesn’t, it’s another red flag. Boys have sex all the time and are never judged for it, whereas women are called sluts and whores. This needs to stop and as a young, strong and smart woman you need to play a role in stopping this. The truth of the matter is, if you’re having sex, you need to own it, and you need to not tolerate anyone talking trash about you or your decisions. Got it?

      The key is to just take your time, enjoy exploring your body, and focus on doing what makes you feel good. Long winded answer but I hope this is helpful?


  11. Kayla Kayla

    Me and this boy had sex i dont think it was his first time but it was mine. It really did hurt for me. And after it my legs were wobbly my vigina hurt for a while that day. Oh, this was the day before yesterday. My vigina would bleed occasionally. We didnt use a condom. I believe my period will be coming in 11 to 14 days from now. My dad and mom will kill me if they find out. How do i even go to a clinic. Wouldnt need an ID? Im kind of scared if i get pregnant i dont know what ill do. And im 13 years old. I dont know how to even buy condoms. I need advice and help…

    • Hey Kayla. I’m really happy you reached out to me and I appreciate hearing your story. I hope my advice is still relevant to you now thaIt takes a lot of guts and courage to ask for help, so major props to you for doing it. My advice to you would be this: do what’s most important first. Get your butt to a clinic and get pregnancy, STI and HIV tests.

      Hey Kayla. Thanks for reaching out. I really appreciate hearing your story and I hope I can offer some advice to help you through this situation. It’s scary I know, but you will get through it. And remember that you are not alone.

      Do what’s most important first first –get a pregnancy test and an STI / HIV test to make sure you’re physically ok. You can do this at any local sexual health clinic. And if you’re having trouble finding one just type “sexual health clinic” into Google, and the closest one should pop up. Take down their number, give them a call and be sure to ask these questions:
      1. Can I get a pregnancy test and STI/HIV tests at this clinic?
      2. Do I need to make an appointment?
      3. What ID or documents do I need to bring with me (if any)?
      4. What is the clinic address?

      Once you have your appointment in place, make sure to give yourself plenty of time to get there (like double the time it takes, because you definitely don’t want to miss this). Walk, run, take the bus, or bike to the appointment if need be. Bring a friend if it makes you feel more comfortable.

      Your appointment will most likely be with a doctor or nurse practitioner. If it turns out to be a male, don’t be afraid to say you want an appointment with a female (that’s my personal preference and it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for it). They will likely sit down with you to go over your situation so be prepared to tell them the whole thing (and trust me, these people have heard it all).

      You will then have a physical exam which will include a pap test, and any STI tests. There’s a clear breakdown of what these tests involve on my local health clinic’s website, so check it out if you want more details on what the tests will be like:

      Also make sure to ask for an HIV test, which will most likely be a blood test, but usually it can be done at the same clinic. Pregnancy test results can usually be told to you on the day, but if not, make sure you fully understand when and how you’ll be hearing from the clinic when the results are in.

      During this appointment, the nurse or doctor will likely want to talk to you about next steps. If you’re pregnant, they will inform you of your options and there will likely be someone there to council you on what to do next. Either way, they will also want to speak to you about contraception. The nurse or doctor will likely recommend some for of birth control. See if they can give you trial packs of whatever method best suits you so you don’t have to pay for it upfront. If that’s not an option, usually they will offer it at a discounted cost. And more often than not, they usually have loads of free condoms to give away – so be sure to get as many as you can. If they don’t offer free condoms, then go to your local pharmacy or chemist and buy some condoms yourself.

      I know it sounds scary but you are not the first 13-year-old to buy condoms and you certainly won’t be the last! Go to the store, find the condom aisle, and pick out a box of Durex or whatever brand you prefer. Walk up to the cashier, hand him/her the condoms, and pay for them. Just act as if you’re buying a pack of gum, and pay no attention to the people around you (trust me, they’ve been in your shoes before, and they are not judging you).

      The last point I want to stress is the importance of condoms. Please please please promise me that you will never have sex without a condom again!!!

      I can’t stress this enough. You need to look after the most important thing in the world: YOU. You need to make sure that you are fully protected from pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and HIV at all times. I don’t care what your boyfriend says – no condom, no sex. If he says it doesn’t feel comfortable, then tell him to **** off. This is your body girl, treat it like a temple. Put that pussy on a pedestal and don’t let any penis near it without a condom. You have a bright future ahead of you as a strong, smart woman – you must protect it at all costs!

      Does this make sense? Brooke xx

      P.S. I’m so sorry this reply is getting to you two weeks late. I’ve been travelling around the USA but I’m home now and can answer any questions you have right away!

  12. Victoria Victoria

    So I got really excited about having sex but I don’t really know where to begin with since I don’t have male friends (im a shy girl from a girls school)
    Ok so thing is I went online to arrange a heavy petting session with a complete stranger and I am currently wondering of my choice is correct as in should I really do it or is this too dangerous ha ha ha.
    Need some advice here because nobody knows of this huge interest of mine thAnks

    • Are you crazy girl!?! Don’t ever meet up with a stranger you met online for the purpose of having sex, unless you want to be chained up in some basement to be gang raped by a group of strange men and then sold into human slavery. No no no no no no bad plan bad plan. Cancel that date, close your account and don’t text or email that stranger again. Promise me?

      Now in terms of your situation…I know exactly how you feel. There were a handful of times in my life where I had no one to get it on with (desperate, horny times). But trust me when I tell you this too shall pass. How old are you? 13? 14? Sure you’re at an all-girls school now, but you won’t always be. There will be plenty of opportunities to meet boys (or girls) organically. And trust me when I tell you this – the people that you meet online are usually not who they say they are. (Hello – Have you not seen Catfish?)

      OK lecture over. Now for the fun bit.

      Clearly you’re interested in sex. (I don’t blame you, I’ve always been too.) So why not explore it in other ways? Check out website which offer loads of relevant, honest information about sex: Read sex Q&A columns online or in magazines. Pay attention and ask questions in sex ed class. Last but not least – get a vibrator. I didn’t get my first vibrator until I was in my early 20s and I seriously regret not getting one sooner. (If I ever have a daughter I’ll be giving her one for her 13th birthday. Seriously.)

      You can order one online and usually they ship in discrete, plain cardboard boxes so no one can tell what you’ve ordered. I’ve owned at least 4 different vibrators, and I always go for the same shape/size and I always buy rechargeable ones so I never have to worry about replacing the batteries. This is the one I’ve been using for the last 3 years, I even use it when my boyfriend and I have sex: (It’s a USB charger so you can just plug it into your laptop or iPhone charger and you’re good to go).

      I’ve also owned this one, which was quite good (but a little expensive):

      And this one (also good, but expensive):

      And this one (one of my favs but I somehow lost the charger):

      Notice they’re all clitoral vibrators. I highly recommend that you buy a clitoral vibrator rather than a huge rabbit one that goes up your vagina. And the reason why I suggest this is because the magic is in your clitoris. Many men and women fail to realize this, but there’s more nerve endings in your clitoris than in an entire penis (which is usually 100 times the size). And to have an orgasm as a woman (at least in my experience) you need to stimulate that clitoris. Penile and clitoral stimulation works well too, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve never had an orgasm from penile penetration alone, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one.

      This last piece of advice – buy a vibrator and try it out – is really important. I don’t think young men or women are taught the importance of the female orgasm. Aside from always using condoms, I believe it’s THE MOST important thing to teach teenagers about sex. Sadly, I’ve been with many men who didn’t even know women had orgasms. How pathetic.

      If I were you, I would take this “alone time” to learn more about sex, buy a vibrator, and try to get yourself off so you understand how good sex can feel. Focus on yourself and your own body. Don’t let random, scary strangers near it. The opportunity to have sex with come naturally, don’t rush it or force it to happen. In the meantime, educate yourself in what it takes to give you an orgasm so when the time comes to have sex you can teach your partner how to do it.

      Hope this advice helps? Brooke xx

  13. Bethany Bethany

    Hello, I’m 14 and since I was 12 years old I’ve always been really interested in sex. Sorry for TMI but I’ve been masturbating for years and I feel so bad for it… Everyone tells me a “proper lady” wouldn’t be so crude as to think about sex constantly like I do (they don’t know about me masturbating). I have been screened for STIs, bought condoms and birth control and I honestly feel ready. I took your test to see if I am ready and answered “Hell yes” to everything. But my parents are religious and do not approve of the idea of me having sex until I’m 21. My boyfriend had to move to Texas a year ago because of his dad’s job and I don’t know what to do anymore, since I can’t meet up with him again until I leave University. Am I overreacting? Is it normal for a 14 year old to think about sex so much? Any advice would be massively appreciated. Xxxx

    • There is no such thing as TMI on my site! So no worries there. I’m really happy to hear you masturbate. That’s so cool. You should definitely NOT feel bad for exploring your sexuality. Do you think all 13-year-old boys who start masturbating at that age “feel bad” for it? Hell no! So why should there be a different standard for young women? And who are these people that are telling you what constitutes a “proper lady”? We’re not in Victorian England. Tell them to get a grip. OK – rant over…Now lets get down to business.

      1. That’s awesome you’ve bought condoms and have birth control sorted and even had an STI test. Although, if you’ve never had sex I’m wondering why you had an STI test? Did the nurse / doctor think the test was a good idea despite the fact you weren’t sexually active yet? Either way, I’m glad you took that step. It seems like you’re on top of the responsibilities that come with being sexually active. So major props to you.
      2. Let’s be honest. Very few parents (I would think) would be totally cool about their kid having sex for the first time. I totally get that. But let’s be real, if your parents are quite religious, there will likely be a few times in your life that you won’t see eye-to-eye on things. I know for most people, getting their parents’ approval is very important. But if you are fully-prepared to handle the seriousness that is sex, I personally would make the decision irrespective of what my parents thought. That’s just me. You have to decide what is right for you. But I am totally confident in your ability to make the right decision based on the maturity you seem to have already. So this point concerns me less than the next…
      3. It’s great to hear you have someone in your life that you trust to have sex with. Sad that he lives really far away and it sounds like you won’t get the chance to spend time with him until after uni, which is in what…8 years?! Take it from me: you will be a completely different person in 8 years. You will have loads of amazing experiences with school, with friends, family, and (most likely) other boys. I’m not saying this to discourage you, I’m just saying you are young and you have your whole teenage-years and early twenties ahead of you. DON’T RUSH IT. These are some of the best years of your life and I would hate to see you waste them waiting around 8 years for a guy. But that’s the old-fart in me speaking. You do whatever is best for you. I’m just glad you’re masturbating, and I’m glad you’re passionate about sexuality. With that in mind….
      4. Yes it’s normal for a 13-year-old to be thinking about sex. You’ve entered puberty (I’m presuming) so biologically you’re “ready” to reproduce and carry on the human race. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just science. You have hormones raging now, as do many of your peers. You might just be more in touch with your feelings than others, or you might be an early bloomer (I was). And that’s totally ok. What’s important is that you realize you have these feelings, and that in spite of them, you’re not running out and having unprotected sex with the first guy you meet. So bravo to you. And you should be proud of the fact that you’re only 13 years-old but you know yourself so well already. For some of us it takes years to know ourselves. And with that I just want to say one last thing…
      5. I wish I learned how to masturbate at your age, and I think it’s a massive injustice that we don’t educate our young girls about masturbation. I think we should teach young women to explore their sexuality and get comfortable with their bodies so they know what it’s like to have an orgasm. I believe that if we did this, women wouldn’t grow up to tolerate bad sex, bad relationships and the inequality that we have in society right now. So I hope you carry the torch and advocate masturbation and be proud of who you are.

      Brooke xx

  14. Emma Emma

    Hey I’m 14 and my long distance boyfriend and I are meeting in a few months and he calls me Juliet and I call him Romeo and he says just like in the Romeo and Juliet movie they have sex the first night and he wants to do that because that’s how we are (he’s 15 btw) and I’m kind of scared but really excited and a few months back my mom gave me another sex talk saying she didn’t mind when I have sex and if I ever need condoms she’d buy them for me I guess I’m just really worried about the pain and I don’t want to get an STI because he isn’t a virgin and I’m kind of freaking out about those few things other than that I really really want to any advice would be great

    • Hey Emma. First off, it’s absolutely amazing that your mother is so supportive of you. You really lucked out with the parental lottery. It’s great that she’s talking to you about sex, giving you her approval and offering to buy you condoms. That’s the kind of mom I want to be when I finally get around to having kids. Have you talked to her about your Romeo? Does she know about him and his desires to make you his Juliet? (On a side note, don’t forget the real Romeo and Juliet story where both die from ingesting poison all because their parents forbid them to be with each other. Romantic? Maybe. Tragic? Yes. A romance to aspire to? Ideally no.) Maybe your mom has insightful advice to offer about it? Regardless, if I were you I would definitely take her up on her offer to buy you condoms. Even better, go with her to the store when she buys them for you. If that’s just too embarrassing for you, then ask her to drive you to the store and you can run in and buy them yourself. I believe it’s super important to a) have condoms with you at all times, especially if you’re even thinking of having sex in the not-so-distance future and b) that as a strong, smart, independent woman you take responsibility for buying condoms yourself. This is an amazing rite-of-passage that I believe all young women should go through. I also think it’s super important that you take responsibility for protecting yourself by always having condoms and by not being afraid to buy them yourself. It’s a good practice to start doing now.

      With that in mind, I want to address your other concern about getting an STI because he has had a sexual partner in the past. I’m glad you’re concerned about this as you very well should be! For this Romeo or any other Romeo you encounter in your future… The only way you can protect yourself from STIs is to use a condom each and every time a boy puts his penis in your vagina. There’s no other way (aside from abstinence of course). And let’s be honest, abstinence is sometimes just not humanly possible.

      In my personal experience and from watching my girlfriends grow up, girls that used condoms all the time didn’t have any health issues, didn’t have any unwanted pregnancies, and didn’t contract any STIs. My girlfriends who were less stringent on always using condoms however…they had to have abortions, they contracted chlamydia and HPV, and some of them are undergoing treatment because of pre-cancerous cells on their cervix because of contracting HPV. Needless to say you don’t want to be in their shoes.

      Have you talked to Romeo yet about what it will be like when you have sex for the first time? Have you discussed how he feels about condoms and whether or not he used them in his previous sexual experience? Try to have that conversation with him because it’s very important to talk about these things before you’re hot-and-heavy and in-the-moment (because that’s when bad decisions are sometimes made). Also, did you talk to him about your fears about having sex and whether it will hurt or not? I’d be interested to hear more about his first time having sex and how that was for him.

      In terms of the pain, it’s kind of indescribable. It doesn’t feel comfortable, but it also doesn’t feel like sharp, stabbing pain. It’s more of a dull pain. But I’ll tell you this…the pain of your first experience heavily depends on how aroused and lubricated you are, and how gentle he is. He should not be trying to force his penis inside of you (as that’s a recipe for disaster – and that’s NOT what sex is supposed to be like). So unless you are super horny and just raring to go, I’d tell Romeo to slow down and go at your pace, or he can take a cold shower ☺

      I never was scared to have sex, I was just excited. So I can’t offer you advice other then just only do it when you’re super ready. If you feel like the fear is a lot, maybe you’re not quite ready and you just need to take some time to enjoy fooling around with your bf? It’s completely up to you, I would just advise you to take you time and enjoy being young and in love.

      I hope this advice helped?

      Brooke xx

  15. Sally Sally

    Hi Brooke!
    I’m 14 and my boyfriend is 17, we started off as hookup buddies and ended up getting feelings for each other and are now dating. We’ve gone as far as doing hand stuff to eachother and we have gotten on the topic of having sex with eachother (being each other’s firsts too!) quite a few times.
    He’s been loving as usual and wants to wait until I’m fully ready to have sex with him.
    The thing is I’m totally unsure if I want to, I trust him totally, the only thing that’s stopping me is the aftermath. I heard that some girls get hopelessly attached after they have sex and I surely don’t want that happening to me. Other than that it’s definitely a hell yes for me. Note that we do have condoms and know all about STDs

    • Hey Sally. Great to hear from you. Even better to hear you’ve ticked all the boxes of maturity when it comes to having sex and that your bf is 100% on board with waiting until you’re ready. I couldn’t ask for a better situation for you. Awesome!

      I hear what you’re saying about the aftermath. It’s true that sex can totally change relationships (for better or for worse). In my experience, I didn’t stay with the guy very long after we had sex for the first time. To be honest, it probably did affect the relationship. I’ve also had random “hookups” too that resulted in me getting somewhat attached. Sex is, after all, a very primal act, which can bring out our primal instincts, like our inherent desire to produce offspring to ensure the survival of our genes.

      It kind of reminds me of the psychology course I took in uni, which talked about how human beings are “somewhat polygynous”. Which basically means that as a species women are far more invested in the survival of their offspring than men. Think of it this way…women have to carry their children for 9 months, and then have to breast feed to ensure the survival of their kin. In contrast, men ensure the survival of their genes by providing sperm to fertilize the egg. That’s the extent of it — they are not essential to the survival of the offspring after the initial act of mating is over. Because their investment in the offspring survival after sex is so low…they’re programmed to try and fertilize as many eggs as possible to ensure the survival of their genes. Think of it as “spray and pray”.

      Another characteristic of this reproduction system is that women are more selective as to who they mate with because they want to ensure the highest survival rate for their offspring. As a result they tend to select larger, stronger, more dominant mating partners. (Which is maybe why these traits are still favorable in our present day).

      The point I’m trying to make is this: It’s in our nature as women to be far more invested in who we mate with, and because of this the stakes are a lot higher for us when it comes to sex.

      But I think you’re one step ahead of the game because you’re aware. You’re aware of what can happen to your emotional state if you have sex with your bf, and I honestly believe that’s half the battle. It shows that you know what the repercussions could be if you have sex – and to me that signals maturity.

      I’m not sure if what I said here has helped you to make a decision. But if you’re “totally unsure” then I would wait a little while until you’re “definitely sure”. Who knows, it could be a week, a month or a year until you’re ready. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to wait. When it doubt – don’t.

      Finally, I want to leave you with the advice my grandmother always gave me, which is “If they don’t like you, then you don’t like them.” She was adamant that if a boy didn’t like us back, he was not worth a nanosecond of our time. I always remembered this whenever I felt myself getting too attached. To me it’s the epitome of self-respect, and that’s what I want you to have (always and forever). Luckily, it sounds like you already do. ☺

  16. Jenna Jenna

    Thank you so much for writing this. My boyfriend and I haven’t been together for very long, but it’s been a very loving relationship and I trust him very much. We are only 14 and our parents would just about kill us if they knew, but we’ve already messed around a bit (oral, etc) and are likely going to be taking it to the next step soon. We’ve been discussing and planning it, trying to figure out timing and boundaries and protection, but today I had some doubts for a moment, scared of ruining my whole life by having sex at a young age, like I’ve been taught will happen to me, as a female. (But oh no, my brother receives no such commentary, just instruction on using a condom, a pat on the back, and a good luck, while I’m stuck with endless shame and lectures that made me hate myself for embracing my sexuality from a young age) I cannot tell you how much reading this article helped me. I know my mother will probably find out one way or another, and I know that despite her acceptance towards me, she will likely be disappointed in me, but after reading this I think I can handle it and any consequences with a lot more confidence. I love my partner and I feel that I’m ready, and hes got experience and is very willing to work with me and take it slow, so I’m hopeful that this will be a good experience now that I’ve got the whole guilting myself thing out of the way, much thanks to your honestly and perspective in this article. Thank you very much, from myself and my boyfriend.

    • Hi Jenna. Thank you so much for telling me your story. I completely agree with what you’re saying about the double standards around sexuality when it comes to women vs. men. I was just reading your comment to my mom and she reminded me about how, historically, families were very protective over their daughters because they could get pregnant and that would not only ruin the daughters lives but it would also bring shame to the family. I think as a culture we’ve made some progress, but there’s still a long way to go. But the ultimate truth is this: if you get pregnant as a woman, no matter how supportive your partner is, the responsibility to carry that child and keep it alive rests on your shoulders. Women are inherently vulnerable when it comes to sex for this precise reason. The stakes are so much higher for us. Which is why I always always always tell girls on my blog to insist on wearing a condom and, ideally, have an additional form of birth control. The only way you can be sexually active and protect yourself from pregnancy is to maximize your birth control and be super diligent when it comes to using it.

      I’m glad to hear that you’ve explored with each other sexually and you feel comfortable with this young man to have sex with him. You mention he has experience, have you guys talked about whether he used protection with his previous sexual partners? Don’t be afraid to ask that as that’s something I think every young woman should feel comfortable to ask their partners.

      In terms of guilt, welcome to womanhood! I swear I feel guilty about everything all the time and my fiancé doesn’t have a shred of guilt. I feel like as women we are socialized to be hyper-aware of our actions and how they affect people, whereas boys are just given the license to roam free and do whatever they please! This is something that you will notice especially as you get older and enter the workplace (and this is one of the theories behind why men get paid more than women – they are allegedly more assertive and give zero fucks where women are constantly obsessing over what people think of us – lame but likely true).

      You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you’re a budding feminist, which I’m very happy to hear! We need more girls your age to have an awareness of how society holds women back through constraints like sexuality – and we need to fight against this! It’s complete bullshit and it’s been going on for far too long!

      Thanks again for telling your story and for inspiring me to think about women’s equality.

  17. Anna Anna

    Hey, thank you for your story. I’m 14 1/2 and the guy I want to have sex with is nearly 15. We’re gonna use a condom and we both want it.Do you think we’re being stupid?

  18. Anna Anna

    Also, to add to my other comment about if you thought we were stupid, we’re both virgins and would like to lose our virginities to each other. If you don’t think we’re being stupid, do you also have any ideas where we could do it cuz we both live with parents?

    • Hi Anna. Thanks for your comments and I apologize for the lateness of my response. So glad to hear you’re planning on using a condom and that you’ve talked about protection with your partner. But have you talked about all the other things you should ideally talk about before having sex? I.e. What happens afterward if you get pregnant? What if people find out? Are you planning on telling your friends? These are all things you should consider in addition to what protection you’ll use, and how and where you’ll do it. Logistics are easier to sort out then the long-term emotional and physical consequences of taking a big life step like this. I realize I probably sound like an adult right now (which I am, so I guess it’s fitting). But these are things your should consider before taking that step. And to answer you questions about whether I think you’re stupid: no, definitely not. You’re obviously doing your research (hence why you ended up on my blog), so clearly you’re trying to educate yourself. In terms of ideas of where you can do – all I advise is that if you are going to do it, please do it somewhere where you’re comfortable. And if it’s possible to find a safe, secure and private place, then maybe wait until that opportunity comes up?

      Brooke xx

  19. Shannn Shannn

    Amazing story! I’m 14 & my boyfriends 2 years older and we’ve briefly spoke about it and it’s one of them 50/50 things in life… And he’s said that its when I’m ready and feel 100% sure! Your story has educated me more, Thankyou!

  20. Autumn Autumn

    this was such a great read. I’m 14 and i just lost my virginity today and i searched this up hoping i wasn’t the only one. Today was great and yes i am young but definitely no regrets. It was awesome!

    • That’s great to hear Autumn. I’m so glad you had a positive first experience. I hope you used a condom?

  21. T T

    I had sex when I was 14 and I’ve been having sex since then , I had sex ending of the year I was 14 and this year I’ve been having sex , I’ve tried to stop because people say its bar but its hard , I stopped at some point , but now I have a boyfriend and he asks for sex but I dont let him , do you think its okay to have sex with him ? Do you think its okay to have sex at my age ? I’m 16 now by the way , and for a 16 year old I’m going to my second year in university , so the guys I talk to are way older and I can’t be with a high school boy obviously

    • Hi T. I’m going to answer your questions point blank first. Do I think it’s ok to have sex at your age (16)? Yes, obviously. I mean I was having sex at 14 so 16 is 2 years more mature in the grand scheme of things. Plus if you’re already in university I presume you’ve had to go through certain adult things already like apply to school, do interviews, maybe move into the dorms? Either way it sounds like you’ve already had sex so you know what it’s like and you know the consequences, so why let the perception that sex is “bad” stop you? The only thing that’s bad about sex is having it unprotected, having it with someone who is not respectful of you and your body and mind, unwanted pregnancies, and contracting STI. Actually that sounds like a long serious list! But having sex just because it’s perceived as a wrong thing to do at your age is not reason enough to not have it. In terms of whether or not I think it’s ok for you to have sex with your boyfriend – that is totally 100% your call. I can’t make that decision for you. Is he pressuring you to have sex or just merely asking if you guys can do it? My advice would be do it if it’s a “hell yes” for you. If it’s not, then don’t. For any situation in life I always think “is this a hell yes?” if it’s not, I don’t do it. I’ve had sex a few times when it wasn’t a “hell yes” – those are the only times I regret it. In terms of the guy scene in uni – I know all guys aren’t like this but college boys have quite the reputation for being rape-y. I know it’s not as clear as I’m making it out to be, I would just be wearing of getting into a situation that you can’t get out of. Is your boyfriend at uni? Is he supportive of your decision either way? That’s key for me – that whoever you’re with is 100% supportive of you and what you want. Don’t know if I answered your question to your liking but hopefully I’ve given you an objective perspective to help make a decision. Remember: When in doubt, don’t!

      • T T

        You replied my comment since september and I’m just seeing it june ,, thank you for your advice, i really appreciate, I’m now 17 and I’m tired of being judged for being sexually active so i don’t care anymore ,and there’s a problem , i lie about my age because most people i know are older because for a 17 year old to be in her 3rd year in the university, its rare and most people tend to take advantage when i tell them my age , so i say I’m 19 , and I’m seeing someone that thinks I’m 19 now , should i wait for us to be deep in before i say my real age or i should tell him now ? (There’s high change he’ll leave)

        • Hi T. I can only say what I would do in this situation. If I was still a university student, I wouldn’t give a f*ck about what people thought of me. By this point in your professional career, you are an adult. You have the same responsibilities as an adult and are mingling with adults every day at school. If they don’t like the fact that you’re 17, fuck them. Tell the guy now. No sense in lying about your age. What’s the point? If he doesn’t like you because you’re 17 then he can take a hike. Sorry if I sound brutally honest, I just think what’s the point of not being yourself?

  22. SebM SebM

    I wanna thank you for helping me understand this from the girl’s perspective, for guys it can become a anxious situation(which for a while was the case for me since my two best friends had already done it ) , I’m almost fifteen and i was starting to get a little pushy with my sort of “girlfriend” but for girls it could lead to shaming,guilt,or embarrassment so i should apologize to her

    • Hey Seb. I really appreciate your honest perspective. I think it’s very common for guys to feel like they need to keep up with the lads. Sex has always been a macho act for guys in my experience. If you’re not getting laid then something’s wrong with you. I mean look at that movie American Pie. It kind of demonstrates the politics around sex (at least from a guy’s perspective) in high school. My advice to you is just never, ever be a Stiffler. He’s the asshole you never want to be in life. Period. (I may be dating myself, but it’s a timeless movie so I suggest watching it so you know what a Stiffler is. It’s also where the term “milf” came from, so it’s a cult classic worth watching).

      I’m also glad that you realize that you may not be treating your “girlfriend” so well – and my nosy self wants to know why you use those quotations? You see, from a girl’s perspective, guys are always employing the “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” tactic. Basically, treat us like shit and we’ll stay. Sad but true. But if you don’t like this girl enough to be calling her your girlfriend legitimately, then maybe you shouldn’t be stringing her along? Or having sex with her, especially if she’s not ready. There’s other girls out there, maybe one you really really like. Sex is so much better when the feelings are mutual (trust me, it’s wild and crazy and not loaded with negative feelings). Shoot for that I’d say. That way you’re not hurting anyone and you’re doing yourself justice. Thanks for reaching out. Glad I could help. Brooke

  23. sofie sofie

    Hi, I am 14 and I have been dating an amaizing guy who really loves me, i feel extreamly in love with him, we have been dating for 11 months now. He is 17, we have talk a little about having sex, he said he wanted to, he wanted to loose his virginity with me, he said he wanted to make love but that it is my choice, he has never push me in this kind of stuff and he will not. I do want to have sex with him but I am scared about my mom finding out and about pregnancy. What should I do to keep it as a secret? Is there a safe and accesible method? He can use a condom but i want a safer method.
    Thank you

    • Hi Sofie. I’m so glad to hear you’re in a happy and supportive relationship. I didn’t tell my mom I was going to have sex, so I completely understand your desire to hide it from yours. In terms of getting another form of birthday control – which is a great idea – you can go to a sexual health clinic. Just do a Google search for “sexual health clinic” and one near you should pop up in the results. (Be sure to delete your seach history after use if you don’t want her seeing it). Usually they run evening and/or weekend clinic times for the general public. Always best to call in advance to see if you need to make an appointment, and if you need to bring any ID with you. Usually it will be a nurse practitioner that will see you at the clinic. He or she (you can ask to only been seen by a woman) will likely sit down and have a chat with you. Tell her you are in a loving relationship and you want to have sex but you want to make sure you’re fully protected. They will either give you birth control then and there or they will write you a prescription to pick some up at the pharmacy. They’ll also tell you it takes a few months of regular use to be effective so it’s best if you take that first step now. Then that will give you a few months to mentally prepare for having sex. In terms of your mom, obviously if you live in the same house with her and you’re close, she will probably likely catch on (mothers have intuition and know when something is up). You can either come out and tell her, or you can wait for her to find out. It seems as though those are the only two ways to break the news in my experience! But if you don’t want her to know – just be really discreet about it. Keep your contraception in a private or locked place or in your bag at all times. She might approach you about it if she senses that something is up – then you can tell her you’ve taken the steps to secure birth control and that you’re being responsible. At the end of the day, mothers are usually not too pleased to hear when their daughters are having sex (especially at age 14). But if you are mature about it and you protect your health first and foremost, then I’m sure she will come around. Sound good? P.S. I’m really proud of you for making sure you have two methods of birth control. That’s really responsible and a good sign that you’re mature enough to have sex.

      • Romario Romario

        🙂 remember, that God loves you all and do not do what is wrong, but do what is right because God is watching.

        • Relevant advice if you believe in God. I believe in evolution – may we all be free to have different beliefs!

  24. Fin Fin

    Hi, Im 13 and im about to turn 14 soon. I have this girl online that lives right next to me that i did meet online but we have been talking for like weeks and weeks for like loads of hours. Sometimes we would engage in ( cyber-sex? ) but she is currently 15 and she is going to turn 16. Is it a good idea to lose my virginity to a girl who is two years older than me? Also if i do should I make her take a pill?… and I will also wear a condom. Dont want any chances of her getting pregnent.


    • Hi Fin. Thanks for sharing your situation with me. First and foremost, to answer your question as to whether it’s a good idea or not to lose your virginity to an older girl: it’s impossible to say. Are you fully aware about safe sex and the consequences of having sex? Is she? Have you discussed the idea of having sex together? Have you arrange contraception (condoms and birth control pill)? I can’t give you a yes or no answer to this question because age is really irrelevant. What’s relevant is your maturity level and hers and your abilities to deal with a fairly adult activity.

      By the way….you cannot make a woman do anything, least not take a pill. Never ever assume that as a guy you can “make a woman” take a pill and consider that an adequate form of birth control. Birth control pills are highly personal, each woman reacts to them differently, and it’s not just a thing you take at random. You have to see a health care practitioner who will perform a physical exam and then prescribe a pill based on the individual woman’s needs. You also need to be on the birth control pill for somewhere around 2-3 months (I can’t recall the precise amount) in order for it to be effective. So my advice to you as a guy is to bring it up, but don’t force the idea on any woman, and don’t assume that you as a guy can make a woman do anything.

      Secondly, it’s down to you to protect your penis and your body. Make sure you always wear a condom, as that’s the only way you will ever truly be safe from sexually transmitted infections, HIV, and unwanted pregnancies. Never ever rely on the girl to provide the contraception.

      Now I’m not trying to be a massive downer here, but it sounds like you **could** get to know this girl a bit more before the two of you have sex. Have conversations about birth control and what you would do if she got pregnant (because it can always happen – despite the use of birth control). If it seems too awkward to have this talk, then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex together. Got it?

      • Fin Fin

        Nah we arent gonna do anything. But I was just wondering if it was weird to have a older girl.

        Anyways thanks .

        • Nah I don’t think it’s weird. I got married 3 weeks ago and my husband is four years younger than me. Older girls / younger guys can be a fun combo (as long as you protect yourself from pregnancy and diseases).

  25. Andrea Andrea

    This made me feel alot better about my recent discussion thank you.

  26. Andrea Andrea

    This made me feel alot better about my decision recent , thank you.

  27. Ana Ana

    I am so glad I found this post. I’m currently 20 but I lost my virginity when I was 14. A lot of people thought I was too young & probably some type of whore lol
    I had started masterbaiting from a very young age (I had no idea what I was doing, just that it felt amazing)
    well I stayed with the guy I lost my virginity too for about 3years. Shortly after the relationship soured, I entered a new relationship which unintentionally lasted a little longer than 3 years lol
    Well I now entered a new relationship with a guy who has been my best friend for about 2years. Being he was my best friend, he knows all about the dirty sex I had for years with my exs lol He gets kinda jealous, so we don’t talk about that stuff anymore. I doubt he was as active as I was during high school, so my past can make him a bit uncomfortable.
    He lives in a different state. Whenever he’s off work he tries to fly out to see me. We’ve been highly sexuality active during his visits. I unfortunately got my period during his 15day visit. Whenever we talk about his visit it & how great it was, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed. He would ask for a lot of head to which I was happy to give most of the time. I feel disappointed because I feel like I did a lot to please him while he only licked me once & fingered me twice. I guess I wanted for foreplay & I asked a few times but it didn’t really happen so I didn’t wanna ask anymore. Now that he’s back home I mention the lack of foreplay but he blames my period. I mean I wasn’t on my period for 15 days, he could have at least done a little more the days I wasn’t bleeding lol. I feel like I’ve been too nice about it. I’m afraid to mention my slight sexual disappointment because I know I’ll probably hurt his feelings (I’m kinda of insensitive) I don’t really know how to go about it. Any advice?

    Another thing, we have frequent small irrelevant arguments now because of the distance . For example he is 2 hours ahead of my time zone so whenever he sleeps all day I get annoyed because I wanna talk. & when he finally wakes up I don’t wanna answer his calls anymore because my mood is ruined. I don’t really know what to do to stop the petty arguments. I know I’m pretty stubborn, insensitive & impatient. I guess my fiesty attitude isn’t that cute anymore lol

    • Ana – Thank you so much for this comment! I love it because you sound just like me at 20 lol. I also love it because I definitely have experience in all of these areas, so hopefully I can offer you some relevant advice. Keep in mind this advice is based solely on my personal experience / what I did in a similar situation / how it played out, and what I learned from it. So feel free to take the advice or not, it’s totally up to you.

      I’ve experienced more or less the same situation with three different guys: one ex-boyfriend, one f*ck buddy, and my now-husband.

      My ex boyfriend lived in France when I lived in Canada. How is that for long distance?! We started out as friends, interacting via skype. Then we started flirting, then sure enough, dating. He flew to Canada for a conference and we hooked up for the first time, and luckily it was good. But the next time we saw each other was when I flew to France on a whim to visit him. I guess I had higher expectations of our time together, but our sexual chemistry was just not there. He was not at all concerned about getting me off – in fact, he didn’t even know women had orgasms (!!). I found this out later after months of this being an issue. Needless to say we fought a lot, and I was constantly wanting sex because I was never fully pleased. It got to the point where he would comment on how I was a nymphomaniac…which led to more fights and resentment. We broke up and got back together numerous times. But in the span of the 1.5 years we were together, I ended up sharing my frustrations with him. I can’t recall exactly how it went, but I did tell him I wasn’t experiencing orgasms, and that’s when I discovered that he simply just didn’t know any better: He didn’t know that women “came” and so he was oblivious to his role in helping me get there. After that, we ended up having a pretty great sex life (for the remainder of the time we were together), which in turn improved our relationship to the best it could possibly be considering we were such a poor match for each other lol. We often had skype-sex too as a way of combating the distance, and that was with a 6 hour time zone difference! This relationship was far from perfect, and after this experience I vowed never to do a long-distance relationship again. But the lesson here is just to talk to him about it with him. You won’t have a chance to resolve it until you just come out with it. Yes it will be awkward, but your needs are just as important as his, and he should be willing to discuss it with you if he values you and your relationship together. Just approach the subject along the lines of: “Making you feel good is very important to me, and I want us to be able to talk about what makes us feel good / not good. With that in mind, during our last visit together I was hoping for more intimacy, and felt like there was a bit of a disconnect. How did you feel about it? This is how I feel [insert feelings here].” If he’s not willing to listen, be ready to reassess the relationship.

      Now…period sex. I’m bringing this up because I wonder if he was “grossed out” by the period? I personally have sex on my period all the time, and have been from the time I was sexually active. I’m actually the most horny during that time of the month. I have friends, however, who have heavy periods and say it’s like an episode of CSI when they have sex lol. So obviously they elect not to. Either way it’s perfectly normal to have sex whilst you’re menstruating, but it’s down to everyone’s personal preference. Only once in my life did I encounter someone who was opposed to doing it: a previous f*ck buddy of mine. It was that time of the month and he was so incredibly turned off, it was borderline offensive to me. Anytime a guy is not cool with period blood, vaginal farts, or anything of the sort I’m a bit sceptical. Human beings are not perfect, and part of being a great lover is loving your partner through the less than glamorous aspects of being human and alive! Coincidently, this guy ended up calling me sex-crazed in the end, too. Needless to say it didn’t last long, and since that experience I’ve grown to realize that if someone is critical of my sexual appetite, or turned off by my basic bodily functions, then they’re not really worthy of my time or my sex.

      Now my last story…This one is about my now-husband. Before I met him I made a list of all the things I would want in my life partner, one of those things was “Respectful of my sexual appetite.” Here’s the entire list, in case you want to see it:

      Nice feet
      Loves me for me
      Generous yet mindful of money
      Loves to make me laugh
      Gets on well with friends and family
      Smarter than me
      Personal style
      Respectiveful of my sexual appetite
      Doesn’t live off of anyone else (including parents)

      When Mark (my husband) and I first started dating, we went through a period of boring sex (at least, I found it a bit boring). It was the same foreplay routine and the same missionary style sex. It got to the point where I tried to break up with him – by this point I was in my late 20s so my tolerance for bad sex was very low. I told him I needed a more adventurous sex life. He went out on his lunch break and bought a black scarf at some clothing store to use as a blindfold. I really appreciated his efforts and after that we experimented a lot more and talked a lot about sex and shared our feelings, our likes and dislikes, etc. I’m happy to say we’ve been together for four years and were married this past October. Again – another lesson in the benefits of talking about sex!

      But this isn’t the only lesson I want to share from our relationship…

      Earlier this year when we were spending time with his cousin, she asked me for a lot of sex/relationship advice, and I gave it to her in his presence. I’ve never hid the fact that I’ve had lots of experiences and past lovers – but he did get very touchy whenever I brought it up. It got to the point where we got in this huge fight during part of our trip that we didn’t speak to each other for 8 hours. He expressed disappointment about hearing about my past. But rather than oblige him, I stood my ground. My past is very important to me as are my previous sexual experiences. They made me who I am today and I’m proud of them. I believe we need to be more open about sex and talk about it like it’s a perfectly normal thing to do. I also firmly believe it re-telling my stories (as evidenced by this post lol). I’m definitely going to be telling my future children about all of my experiences, so he better get used to hearing about them! I will not be silenced or made to feel bad about my sexual history – that is one thing I know with absolute certainty. In the end he came around, and accepted that that’s just who I am. And the lesson here is this: It takes a strong man to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with women like us, women who are bold, brave and go for what they want. If any man you’re with is not accepting of you, is intimidated by your past, doesn’t feel the need to please you sexually, then maybe he’s not man enough for you. You are perfect the way you are…stubborn, insensitive, impatient and fiesty….don’t ever change.

      • Ana Ana

        You have no idea how many similarities we share. I also brought alcohol & marijuana to school around age 12 & almost got expelled twice for that lol I was no victim, I influenced those around me to make bad decisions lol

        Well me & my current bf are a 3hour flight of distance but his job requires him to travel for several months at a time. So most of the time we’re apart.

        One of the things that kinda scares me is that I’m his first serious relationship. He’s already my 3rd serious relationship. So I’m afraid it won’t work out because first relationships are usually a learning experience than a lasting one. He thinks I’m being silly. I try to be optimistic & give him more of a sanding chance but it’s still a thought that lingers in the back of my head. One of the things that bothers me is when we were close friends, I was very open about my sexual history with him & he thought I was amazing for it. (He was secretly in love with me without my knowledge) we I never expected us to start dating & now that we are … my history makes him feel uncomfortable & he tells me “you started young, you were dirty. I can’t believe you had so much sex” so basically calling me a whore in a nice way lol it used upset me but now I don’t care. I just don’t bring it up at all.

        Well we met of accident online & became very close friends for 2yrs. We used always make the most out of it & talk on the phone for hours & lots of FaceTime. According to him “I just don’t feel as happy anymore. Talking isn’t enough, I wanna be with you now” which I completely understand but his constant gloomy mood makes me angry like get back here & love me lol

        I guess my tolerance for bad sex has decreased. My ex used to think my clitoris was a lottery scratch off ticket. Although I appreciated his efforts, he was the wrong kind of “rough”. I want more foreplay on my behave but he always verbally agrees but it never happens. I feel awkward after awhile of asking. I tried refusing blowjobs but not even that worked. I assume he is unfimilar with foreplay (other than blowjobs) since he isn’t nearly as sexually experienced as me, so I’m trying to have patience & be nice about it. I’m just to the point where I feel angry while giving bjs. I can orgasm with penetration alone but that doesn’t mean abandon all of my other needs. I tried guiding him but he doesn’t continue very long. Disappointment, right?

        I hate when he’s back home he’s all talk like “I wanna eat you out so bad” & im like “ummm why didn’t you?” & his response is “you’re always on your period” btw we still had lots of sex while I was on my period but there was absolutely no foreplay for my behave. Which I understand I wouldn’t wanna eat menstrual blood myself, but what about the days I wasn’t bleeding?

        God is giving me patience but I’m going to end up going off on him. I rare moments when he did more, he did great I don’t know why I’m being limited lol

        I’m so nervous to bring it up because I don’t think he’s taking me seriously. I hope we work out as a couple. I HATE dating. I’m usually that person that loses interest after a couple months so it’s ironic that I’ve lasted so long in all these relationships lol I don’t know why guys that girls don’t get bored in relationships, that we’re supposed to be clingy & attached lol not in my case. I’ve learned to accept & embrace my stubbornness & my lack of insensitivity in my personality. Thank you for your response. I think we’re like the same person in a weird way lol I love your post.

        • There’s definitely a lot of similarities between us, that’s for sure! I think by the time I was your age I had at least two serious, long-term relationships. By the time I met my husband at 27 I had had four long-term relationships (2+ years each). He in contrast, only had one previous relationship, and it was a friend at uni, which didn’t last more than 8 months. In the beginning I looked down on him for not bringing the same relationship experience to the table and thought him a bit immature because of it, but in hindsight, his lack of experience didn’t really matter all that much in the end. He was probably more mature than me despite the fact he’s 4 years younger than me! (He’s 27 and I’m 31).

          My mom always said that what we’re attracted to in our partners in the first place is what we end up disliking most in them later on…It seems like your confidence and adventurous-ness in the bedroom really attracted him to you and now it’s making him feel insecure for some reason. Maybe he knows he’s not satisfying you and it’s making him more insecure, and more selfish in bed? I feel like with every partner I’ve been with there’s usually a threshold that I needed to get past with them – a comfort level maybe – that as soon as we got past that stage, everything related to sex was great. Guys like to do things they’re good at. It makes them feel good. And I’m guessing he’s intimidated by you, and feels like his skills don’t measure up. What he needs is some serious coaching by you, just to get past that threshold. Obviously he has to be willing in the first place and have an open mind about it. I truly believe that if you approached the topic in the most favourable way to him, (i.e. I really love what you do with your tongue I wish you would do more of that…) that he will open and up and be willing to try things out. Maybe suggest experimenting more with him too? Sometimes they just need some good old-fashioned coaching. Once they see how much they can please you, they’re usually willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen again, and again.

          I do think, however, that you shouldn’t be giving him blowjobs if he’s not reciprocating. That’s what I would do if I were in your situation. Oral sex is a very intimate experience for both partners, and unless it’s reciprocated then it’s a privilege that shouldn’t be bestowed, know what I mean? In high school I was known as the girl who didn’t give blow jobs. I personally didn’t start doing that until I was 18 or 19 and had a partner that loved them, and then we had oral sex all the time. Turns out they’re really fun!

          The reason why I didn’t do it when I was younger was that there were many girls throughout my school that would give blow jobs, and they all had bad reputations. I often thought that getting down on your knees and putting his penis in your mouth is quite a submissive act, UNLESS he’s doing the same to you. It’s cool when he’s putting his face in between your legs. It’s cool when it’s a two-way street. But only one-way? Not cool. These girls would give blow jobs and no one spent anytime making sure they got off. All they got were snide remarks and guys constantly approaching them for blow jobs. A travesty in my humble opinion, and an example of straight up in-equality.

          I also don’t think it’s cool that he’s judging you on your past behaviour and that you don’t feel like he’s taking you seriously. Judgement is never good in relationships. I had an ex-boyfriend that judged me every time I smoked weed. He ended up breaking up with me as a result of it, or so he said. In reality, he used that as an excuse: he didn’t want to admit that he met someone else and was now in a serious relationship with her. I now try to restrict my weed intake to special occasions throughout the year for health reasons, but that judgement he placed on me had a lasting impact for many years. I’m still amazed that I can pretty much do anything in front of my husband and he doesn’t care one bit. Whatever I do doesn’t change his opinion of me. He’s just chill and loves me for me. Which brings me to my last point….age.

          I met my life partner at 27. I’m now 31. It basically took me 31 years to figure out what I wanted in life, to figure out who I was, and to be in a position to offer you any sort of wisdom. I had many shitty relationships up until this point. I definitely had one at 20 (and 22, and 24….). What I’m trying to say is what I’m sure you’re dead sick of hearing: you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Is this guy adding value to your life, or taking value away? Don’t get me wrong, definitely give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to prove himself to you. But he needs to meet you half-way. And you need to tell him this so he knows. If he values you in his life, as a partner and a friend, then he will respect your feelings and what you have to say, he will also respect your past. You’ll find a way to tell him how you feel, and I’m confident he’ll do everything he can to make you happy. If he doesn’t, then he gets the boot. Alright?

  28. Charlotte Charlotte

    Thank you so much for this. I was 13 when I first had sex and was head over heels in love. Like you, it was with a partner, who was a peer and who had also not had sex before. I really wanted to have sex , I enjoyed it, and was so happy I had done it. It was only slightly painful, nothing like the stories I heard about in the years after, which I think just serve to make the experience difficult.

    Our friends (we were at different schools and had different friend groups) knew that we had had sex and part of me quite liked the idea that I had done something most others our age had not. I had always been mature for my age, and did not feel I was too young but that it was the natural next step that I wanted to take.

    However, as I grew a little older, at about 15 the judgment on me grew and I became more aware of comments around me and in the media that were telling me I should not have had sex. By this time I was with another partner (we’re still together now, 8 years later) and although we had had a healthy sex life and a more open dialogue about it than I had with my previous partner, I started to feel guilty about having sex. I would suddenly feel so guilty and disgusting during sex and would have to stop. After a little while of this we stopped having sex and I stopped wanting it. My boyfriend was so lovely about it, though he wasn’t really able to understand. I probably made things worse for myself by being quite open about all of this to friends – who weren’t very good friends – who just didn’t get it. I did go to psychosexual therapy when I was 16 which was helpful in understanding why I had starting feeling this way. It was the views of others. I have always been sensitive, anxious and cared too much what others thought. Over time, I started to believe that I should regret having sex at 13, because that is what so many others said.

    But I don’t regret having sex at 13. It was right for me at the time and I enjoyed it. We make too much fuss about sex and what everyone should or shouldn’t be doing. I am so happy to have read your story because the beginning is so similar to mine. We are allowed to be happy with our choices without being judged, and that is something I forget often. I still have the residual reactions and emotions from that time of feeling judged, and now I feel they impact me in the opposite way – I don’t have a very high sex drive and still feel nervous about sex so my boyfriend and I don’t have sex very often. I now feel like I’m not having sex enough. It’s all ridiculous! I just want to feel happy in myself, my choices, and my sex life.

    • Hi Charlotte. Thanks for your message. I’m really happy to hear you had a positive first-time experience, too. It’s funny how much we let people’s opinions of our actions and behaviours affect us, though, isn’t it? There were always girls in school who fully-embraced their sexuality in a very public way, and though I admired their boldness and willingness to be themselves, I was always conscious of my reputation and how I came across to people. I think this is just a natural part of life that takes many year of practice. I’m 31 now and I still have to practice not caring what people think of me.

      I agree too – I think we as a culture make a big deal out of healthy and normal sexual behaviour, and not a big enough deal over things that are unhealthy, like consent, harassment, assault, etc. It’s like our priorities are out of date.

      I don’t know if this is relevant to you, but when I was about 15-16, I started to notice a decline in my sex drive, too. I thought it was just because I was bored of sex because I started so early. In the end, I think it was because I was no longer physically attracted to my boyfriend at the time, and that I was on the birth control pill. I found the pill negatively impacted my sex drive, and by the age of 24 I came off of it, and haven’t taken it since. I’ve also been with my now-husband for 4 years now. This is the longest relationship we both have ever been in, and I’ve realised that sex can easily become boring when you’re with the same person for so long (hence why people married 10+ years often have troubles in the bedroom). I wouldn’t stress yourself too much about how often you’re having sex. It’s completely natural to go through dry spells, especially when you’ve been with the same person for 8 years! Does he mention it or complain?

      • Charlotte Charlotte

        Hi Brooke,
        When I was 17/18, I did begin to think that my lack of sex drive was because I was no longer attracted to my boyfriend. So I decided to break up with him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and the few months that followed, full of arguments and attempts to maintain a friendship (we were at the same school) broke my heart. I couldn’t understand why it was so awful. And I realised it was because I was still in love with him. Dealing with my own anxiety and issues around sex had made it hard to pin point what was going on, and I had thought that it was about our relationship, but really it was just about me. We got back together and things were better, though we had just started university which I really struggled with and I became very depressed. This anxiety and depression is the main thing that has killed my sex drive.
        Our current (separate) living and work situations mean that we don’t get to see each other as much as we’d like so life gets in the way of sex more than I do. We have had arguments in the past as we tried to understand each other and we definitely have a better sex life now than we have had. But really, other aspects of our relationship are much more important to me than sex. He’s my best friend and brings me so much joy.
        I have tried coming off the pill a couple of times, once for over a year, but found it made no difference.
        Dealing with my mental health issues is primary, and my sex drive seems to eb and flo depending on how well I’m dealing with my anxiety etc.

        • I understand what you mean. I too have suffered from anxiety for a good portion of my life. On a couple occasions it got so bad that I became depressed and had to go on medication. One pill I took (I believe it was called Cipralex) actually increased my sex drive. But I found I could never reach orgasm whilst on it. It was very strange. That one didn’t help my mood at all, in fact it gave me huge mood swings. I then went on one called Pristiq, which was prescribed by my doctor in Canada (it’s not available in the UK where I live now). That pill really did wonders for me. It didn’t affect my sex drive and did a great job at stabilising my anxiety. Unlike Cipralex, which is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), Pristiq is a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI). I have no idea what the difference is but one did not work for me at all and the other worked wonders. Are you on antidepressants or any kind of medication to stabilise your anxiety? I was on Pristiq for a couple of years, and then eventually weaned myself off of them at my doctor’s advice. I did have a bout of depression last year, but being a bit older this time around (I was 30 at the time), I had a bit more stability in my life then when I did when I experienced it the first time (24-25), and decided to treat myself through diet, exercise and meditation instead of medication. I didn’t want to go on medication again as I saw that as a band-aid solution for my problems. But I would definitely recommend them to people who are having a really hard time coping with life.
          It’s not a long-term solution, but they do take the edge off. They really saved me at that time in my life.

          I know it’s easier said then done, but if I were you I would try not to worry or be concerned about your sex life or the amount of sex you’re having or whether or not you’re in the mood for it. If you’re battling something like anxiety and depression it’s expected that other areas of your life are to take a hit (your sex life, relationships etc.).

          When I was going through my first depression, it was a very lonely time. My boyfriend at the time didn’t like the fact that I was on medication, and criticised me for it. That was the last thing I needed at the time. Even my mother was very unsympathetic towards me and basically told me to get over it. When I look back now, there was only like one or two people who helped me and supported me. Which is a travesty. People who have never experienced anxiety or depression themselves have a hard time relating to us, and they just want us to be better because they don’t know how to deal with it.

          My last bout of depression from last year I attributed to hating my job. In hindsight, I think there are a lot of factors that went into it, but I really hated getting up and going into work everyday. So I quit. And then I got better. I realise this quitting philosophy doesn’t work for everyone, but if I look back to my first round of depression, it happened too because I was doing something I didn’t want to do. I wrote a blog post about it actually, you can read it here:

          I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now. It really sucks and I feel for you. My only advice is what has personally worked for me, and that’s to start exercising and change your diet. I’ve been celebrating Christmas for two weeks now and I can start to feel the anxiety come back. It comes back when I eat loads of sugar and drink lots of alcohol and stop working out. I found that if I just walked everyday for 30 minutes or so and cut out sugary crap I start to feel better. Actually, I wrote another post about how I treated my latest bout of depression here:

          If you want to talk about this more please feel free to email me at brookerutherford[at]outlook[dot]com. I would love to hear from you. xx

  29. Cloie S. C. Cloie S. C.

    Hey, I’m 13 at the moment *almost 14* I just just read your blog post and it was so relieving! I’ve read so many posts online about loosing your virginity fairly young and it’s only been about ‘oh wow, yeah it’s definitely a sin! What a slut!’ And I don’t think that’s fair because not every 13 and 14 year old is the same. They all have different maturities and experiences and whatnot, therefore they shouldn’t be reguarded the same. Ah anyways that’s besides the point. I’ve been dating this guy for around 8 months, he’s 15 and I’m 13. I’ve been thinking a lot about the possiblity and pros and cons of sec and whatever because honestly, I feel like I’m ready and I really love this person. They’re just so lovely to me and my friends and my family and their my best friend, so I feel like they’d be a good ‘first time’. I know that I’m mentally ready to take on whatever loosing my virginity might bring on because I’ve had to have the mind of an adult for a while *since I was 6, to be exact, for certain reasons*. Oh and by the way, the guy isn’t pressuring me or anything, I’ve just decided to make this decision, but I’m not sure if it’s the right one. So, should I? Do I sound like I’d be completely foolish and generic to do this? And I’m sorry for the long post.

    • Hey Cloie. Thanks for your comment. That’s interesting that you’ve read loads of online stories. To be honest, I haven’t bothered to look for any others, but always wondered how people ended up on my blog. I’m glad to hear my story has helped you in some way, and I definitely agree that not everyone 13-14 year old is the same in terms of maturity and readiness. I’m also happy to hear you’re not being pressured in any way to have sex. That’s a massive relief to hear! Obviously I can’t tell you whether or not you should do it as that’s entirely up to you – it’s a very personal decision that no one but you can make. All I can tell you is I didn’t have any doubts when I did it, and no regrets afterwards. But if you do have doubts, there’s no harm in waiting. Whether that’s a week, a month, 6 months or a year. Just don’t do it until you’re ready and all your doubts are gone. Hope this advice helps?

  30. Kaylee Schmit Kaylee Schmit

    Hi, so I am 14 and my boyfriend is 15. We started off being best friends this year, then in September we started dating. We both really love each other. I consider myself to be quite emotionally mature and physically. Last night we decided to have sex (We have been doing other things just not the real thing and we are very comfortable with each other). The only issue that we came across was that, he was very very big, and I am quite tight I guess lol. This could be considered tmi, but he is eight inches and it would not fit. So we continued to be awkward and try again but he did not want to hurt me. It did not work though so I do not know what to do. I just could not get comfortable. But when he touches me its fine, a little discomfort at first but then I am fine.

    I am very young so i do not have anybody to ask. I also cannot find anybody to relate to without getting a lecture about my age and how I’ll regret it. But in the moment when we were for a minute, I was totally fine emotionally. We have protection. I just do not know what to do or who to go to without a parent getting suspicious. Any advice?

    • Hi Kaylee. Thanks for your message. I don’t think it’s TMI – this blog is a free space to say whatever you want! I’m glad to hear you have protection. Does he have condoms that are size appropriate? You can get extra-large size condoms from all major condom brands (I believe Trojan has one called Magnum). The reason I ask is because you want to make sure the condom fits properly in order for it to be effective. If his member is larger than average, he may have to buy larger-than average condoms.

      As a young woman who has never had sex before, I am not surprised to hear of your difficulties. The only advice I can offer is what I would do in your situation if it was me. Luckily I have experience in this area: I had a boyfriend in uni with a larger-than-average penis. As a virgin you are bound to have a little discomfort when it’s your first time. Think of it, you’re putting something in an orifice that has never been used before. The key to reduce friction is to always make sure you are sufficiently aroused and that there’s lots of lubrication. This is going to be TMI but since we’ve established that’s fine…you need to be really aroused and horny (and thus sufficiently lubricated) in order to have the best possible experience. I’m in my 30s now, and I find I need to use store-bought lubricate every time I have sex – it’s not necessary, it just helps. Definitely try using lube. Go for a water-based one as they’re less messy and wash off easily.

      Also – really make sure you have sufficient foreplay. Guys are good at just getting right down to the main event, but women need a lot more warming up in general (at least from my personal experience). Don’t be afraid to engage in foreplay for 30 minutes, an hour or 5 hours. However long it takes to make sure you are truly prepared for the experience.

      And always, always, always use a condom. Lube helps make condoms feel better too.

      Hope this helps?

      • Kaylee Schmit Kaylee Schmit

        Thank you so much for the advice, that really helped. Also thank you for making me feel more comfortable with explaining this. The first time we tried there was foreplay but I wasn’t very “turned on” when he went down on me orally, I guess. I don’t know why. But I don’t know what to tell him to do to feel more comfortable. Also, I’ve obviously heard that being relaxed is a huge way to loosen up besides lube. He continuously said (with comfort and consent) that I seemed very tense and nervous, and that I was really tight. Is it possible to be way tighter as a 14 year old? I’m 5’2, but I don’t feel/look too small. Is it possible for him to just not be able to fit or will it hurt if he does? He was able to a little bit but it did hurt and he was very afraid to hurt me. Will lube be the solution for the discomfort of it being able to fit in more?

        He also felt as though the condom was really tight on him and uncomfortable. So I’ll tell him to look into the magnum.

        • Yes definitely tell him to look into that. It’s important that he kinds condoms that work for him now when he starts to become sexually active so he can establish healthy sex habits. When he went down on you did he focus his attention on your vagina (entryway) or your clitoris? Most teenage males (and females for that matter) don’t realize the power of the clitoris in achieving arousal. The bog-standard act is to fondle the vagina (i.e. fingering), but the real potential for arousal happens around the clitoris – it has double the amount of nerve endings than the penis in a fraction of the surface area. That’s why it feels so good to dry-hump, as you’re literally creating friction around the clitoris and that’s what turns us women on (at least in my personal experience).

          Talking about being relaxed made me think of this episode of Sex and the City. It’s probably way before your time but you might appreciate it; Samantha is the “sex-fiend” on the show. She meets a guy who is too big, and has to prepare for the experience by doing two yoga classes and smoking a joint: (NSFW, listen to it with headphones on).

          In terms of whether it’s physically possible for him to fit…Yes. The vagina can stretch to accommodate a baby and is incredibly elastic. I’m your height and very petite and I’ve been able to endure a large penis…it’s just about how aroused and lubricated you are. And yes first time sex is going to be uncomfortable, but there should be no ripping or tearing of skin – if you’re experiencing that then you’re simply not aroused or “wet” enough. Try having him stimulate your clitoris with his thumb and saliva, I always found that to be a good technique because the thumb is nicely padded and makes good circular motions. Once you’re really aroused your vagina will naturally self-lubricate. But store-bought lube also helps to move things along. I use it every time I have sex because I always use a condom (even with my husband) and I find it helps to make the condom feel better.

          It’s natural for you to be nervous, and with a larger-than-average penis the first time might be a bit more challenging, but I’m glad to hear comfort and consent are the main pillars of your experience with him, that’s great. It sounds like he’s a great first-time partner. If you do find yourself tense maybe he can give you a massage too? That will help to de-stress you and make your body relaxed. At the end of the day sex needs to be an experience where both partners are equally aroused. If you’re not sufficiently turned on then it’s less likely you will achieve an orgasm. I always think it’s better for women to get loads of foreplay and attention before intercourse, because unlike men it can take us longer to achieve orgasm, and as soon as you start having sex, it’s usually not long before the man ejaculates. It’s always best to get a head start as a woman. At least, that’s my philosophy.

          You might also try masturbating. I’ll admit I didn’t start doing that until I was 18, but it definitely helped me identify what turns me on and helped me figure out how to achieve orgasm. I wrote a post about that too, you can read it here:

          Again – hope this helps. I’ve given you a bit of homework this time, let me know how it goes!

  31. Kaylee Schmit Kaylee Schmit

    Thanks again oh my goodness. And a few times he did, but he seemed to focus on the vagina entryway itself more and being completely honest it felt the same stimulation when somebody pets your arm, haha. It didn’t do much for me, but then when he fondled it, it felt really really good. But three fingers felt very uncomfortable but he refused to continue because he didn’t want to hurt me (Which I find funny because he is very assertive but very cautious about my feelings). That also helped, I did not know the clitoris was something to keep in mind of.

    Haha, hopefully I don’t give up on him that easy when it comes to that. If it begins to kind of hurt because of the girth/length, lube would make it more comfortable? And yes I’ll keep that in mind if I’m stressed with him during that. The small issue is that he seemed to lose his erection after going down on me, he actually pointed out “It’s weird, I enjoy doing this but it does’nt seem to make me extremely horny”. Same thing goes for making out, he can’t seem to correlate the two together. I’m kind of stuck after that point on how to make him “ready” again after foreplay. He doesn’t seem to know what turns him on in specific either. That’s another thing we’ve had issues about too, he seems to get them at the most inconvenient time (at school, or in a setting that we can’t do anything about or other times besides foreplay)

    • I would say that’s totally normal. Men start to focus on the act itself (going down) and therefore lose their erection because they’re in focus-mode. Totally normal. It sounds like you guys just need to explore what works for each other and take your time, don’t rush into sex for the sake of it. Sometimes it takes months to get on the same wavelength sexually with someone, but once you invest that time together it really becomes an amazing experience. And you should have that for your first time. Try focusing on just foreplay and doing things other than sex. Just enjoy each other, and soon the pressure will fade away and then you’ll be ready and the experience will just seem so natural.

      • Kaylee Schmit Kaylee Schmit

        I’ll keep that in mind, Thanks so much again for making me feel like I can have somebody to talk to

  32. Whittney Whittney


    I’m 14 and me and my boyfriend have been talking ab having sex. If our parents find out they’ll kill us!!! Anyways I’m not comfortable with my body at all. I’m a thick girl but he says he likes my body very much. I’ve struggled with insecurity since 5th grade. ( he’s 15 btw) I don’t have access to condoms or birth control neither does he. I’m also scared of the pain. He told me we’d only have sex as long as I was ready. Should I? Also my mom Is not open to talking ab sex etc. Thanks

    • Hey Whittney. Sorry to leave you hanging, I’ve been travelling for most of Jan but am back now. I’m sorry to hear that you can’t talk to your mom about sex, that sucks, but sadly I think that’s normal. Right…if you don’t have access to condoms or birth control then you should NOT HAVE SEX. Plain and simple. No glove, no love. Condoms and birth control are very easily accessible. You can walk into a CVS and buy a box of condoms. Birth control might be a bit more difficult, as you most likely will have to go to a clinic and get a health practitioner to give you a prescription. But there’s no excuse in this day and age not to have condoms and you should not have sex without one. I always say if you’re too uncomfortable to go buy condoms by yourself or with your boyfriend, then you’re probably not ready to have sex. Sex is a very big step, buying condoms is not. It’s a critical step to take and it must happen before you even think about having sex. Got it?

      In terms of pain and discomfort, I get asked this question a lot. When I was your age, I did not worry about the pain of having sex for the first time. It was not even on my mind. And I think it’s because I was just ready to experience it. There will come a point in time in your life when you are ready to have sex, and you won’t be concerned about birth control because you would have sorted it already. And you won’t be concerned about the pain and discomfort of the experience because you will be truly ready. If it’s not a “hell yes” then it’s a no, that’s my personal policy and it’s a good one to have when it comes to sex. If you’re not personally ready to have sex, then you won’t have a good experience, and I would hate for you to have a bad experience. I hope this advice was helpful? Please feel free to ask me anything.

  33. Scott Scott

    Hi, I’d like to ask if you think your experience would have been different if the person you had done this with had been a lot older than you were? I’ve heard people say they were as young as 12 (on youtube), felt ready, had sex with a peer, and don’t regret it. If you’re say 13, and think you’re “ready” what’s the difference between doing it with a peer, and doing it with someone much older? I’ve heard a lot of stories about people being really messed up after being pushed into sex by an older person, and obviously an adult would have all the power, but I’m having a hard time getting to the ethical bedrock of the situation when people say they felt ready at young ages. Does ready mean ready, or does ready mean ready but with a peer. And if so why? Thanks

  34. Scott Scott

    Hi, I just wanted to add a little context to my earlier comment. I’ve had every kind of ocd since I was about 12, and there’s a type of ocd (pure o) that makes you worry you might hurt others. It makes me extra concerned when I feel like I’m a little confused about one of the obsessions. The obvious answer here is that you would be using them, and a person’s earliest experiences with sex should not have to do with feeling used, or conforming to the expectations of someone else who has a lot more power. Whatever I think about the subject though tends to get twisted by the ocd, to the point that I question everything I think. But I think a short conversation with someone with your perspective could do me a lot of good, because I’ve found that therapists and counselors can only say so much when they don’t have direct experience with the subject.

    • Hi Scott. Thanks so much for your message. I want to apologize first to you for leaving you hanging on this one. Your first common left me lost in thought for days…Did I have a great first experience because of the partner I was with? Would it really have been different if it was with someone older, and if so, why? I started drafting a response then your second comment came in and I thought it best to give you perspective and advice that’s worth the same weight as your message. BTW – I really appreciate you sharing your situation with me. It’s the first comment of this kind on my blog, so thanks for being brave and putting it out there.

      I have to admit I don’t have much experience with OCD or “pure O” – something I didn’t know existed until your message. I’m sure you’ve probably already seen this but I thought this blog post written by a woman with obsessive sexual thoughts was helpful for me in understanding what you might be going through and potential treatment options that are open to you:

      Again, I’m sure you’re totally on it and getting the support you need, but thought I would share it with you in case in helped. I personally found CBT helpful when I was going through a bout of depression brought on by crippling anxiety in my mid-twenties.

      But to answer your original question, which I think fundamentally boils down to this: Does it really truly matter who you have sex with for the first time (and thereafter)? And my answer is yes. I can only speculate what my personal experience would have been like if I had sex with someone older. Every person’s experience is unique, so it’s impossible to say that having sex for the first time with someone older directly equates to a bad experience. It’s not the age of the person that really matters, it’s the relationship that you have with them. Do they respect you? Do they put your feelings first? Do they respect your values, your wishes?

      My philosophy is to only have sex with someone who truly respects me. Whether your partner is young, older or the same age as you, if he or she is “pushing” you into sex, that’s a massive red flag and you should not be in a relationship with that person, and vice versa (no one should ever be pushing others into sex – obviously, that’s called rape).

      I think my situation worked out well because we were peers of equal age and equal physical development, with the same lack of experience and a shared willingness to learn and experiment together. I was very turned on by him so there was never any point in time that I stopped and thought if I was doing the right thing or not – it just felt totally right to me. I never felt like I was being used. If anything, I initiated it.

      You’re right though, there are countless stories and narratives of older, more experienced people pressuring their younger partners into sex. Typically this is a younger woman/older man dynamic, but of course like anything, it can be the other way around.

      Without having first-hand experience of what you’re going through, it’s hard for me to give advice, as I usually only like to dispense advice according to what I would do if I were in your situation. But I think the same advice I give to others on my blog applies to you too…When you’re young and experiencing sex for the first time you should really only do it with someone who is 100% support of you and only when you feel 100% ready.

      Are you in a relationship with someone you really like or love and trust whole-heartedly? And if so, have you told them about your OCD and the thoughts that come with having it? My advice to you would be only have sex with someone who you would trust and feel comfortable enough with to share these personal details about yourself.

      I know it can be really complicated, but a healthy sexual experience is really simple when it’s between two people who have mutual respect and admiration for each other. When you have these two things, usually you’re both just excited to be in each other’s presence.

      I don’t want to speculate but my guess is you might be the older guy and worried about hurting someone younger, is that true? If so, can you have that conversation with the other person? I think it would be a good litmus test of a relationship and whether or not you should be having sex with that person – if you can’t trust or confide in them about your fears, worries, desires, insecurities etc. then it’s a good indication that you might not be a great match, and that doesn’t bode well when it comes to having a healthy sexual relationship.

      I feel like I’m ranting a bit here. I hope this perspective was helpful? Though your situation is unique, I feel like the solution isn’t all that different from what we all should be striving for when it comes to relationships…which is basically trust, love, respect and communication. If these things are present then there’s little to no room for coercion, abuse of power or disrespect. Does that make sense? Let me know…

  35. Scott Scott

    Hi, thank you for the thoughtful response. I am not in a relationship at the moment, this is just me trying to untangle my thoughts on the subject. Your answer was helpful, and it’s a reminder that I’m probably making this more complicated than it needs to be.

    It seems clear that an adult and a child can’t have a real romantic connection that involves respect and admiration, or the kind of love that makes people think they’ll be together forever. They’re in different mental universes. An adult can see this, and feel it, but the child can’t, which is why you often hear young people say they felt used after a relationship with an adult when it ends, or you hear things like “I thought he loved me, and that I loved him.” The adult had to make the child think they had a special connection to get what they wanted.

    But to say this is the reason adults should not get involved with adolescents is to say that adolescents who experience sex should experience it in the context of a meaningful relationship. But then the question becomes: why does this apply to adolescents and not to adults, who can have one night stands after meeting someone at a club? I’ve heard this quote a few times from people talking about their first sexual partner: “at that age, you think you’re going to be together forever.” Is it their naive attitude towards relationships? Do people this age think sex and love are the same thing?

    When I think back to my adolescence I think I can remember not understanding breakups and divorce. I remember thinking that I would find someone really special, do all of the experimenting with them, and then be with them forever, and that I would never get divorced. As though people have total control over these things. I feel like I might be misremembering this though.

    Thanks for the ocd link, I haven’t read many first hand stories like this.

    • “It seems clear that an adult and a child can’t have a real romantic connection that involves respect and admiration, or the kind of love that makes people think they’ll be together forever.” – I would tend to agree with you on this. But in other cultures, a relationship between an adult and a child is perfectly acceptable. Look at all the countries where child brides are the norm: Personally, I think this is morally and ethically wrong, but some would say this is an ethnocentric approach. As a feminist and a big fan of human rights, I believe these cultures to be misogynistic and I can’t ever imagine living this way or being raised like that. I also don’t think the young women in these relationships are treated with love, respect, trust…I believe they’re treated like their husband’s property, so perhaps this isn’t a good example. But it is an example of what you’re saying…that a child and an adult can’t have a real connection.
      But I believe we’re talking about a relationship between an adult and a child in the context of a “developed”, western culture, which I think most people would agree is wrong. Sure I think a 15-year old and an 18-year old could date and be a match in terms of maturity, but technically speaking, they would still be considered “illegal” by definition, depending on what country you’re in. But say a 21-year-old dating is a 15-year old – that’s a 6 year age gap, and one that is not so significant the older you are, but quite a difference in mental and physical maturity at 15. I am always suspicious when I hear examples of 20+ year olds dating high school students. I wonder why they can’t find someone their own age, and why they’re fishing in a much younger dating pool?
      To answer your question as to why meaningful sexual experiences are more necessary for teenagers than adults, I believe it has to do with physical and mental maturity. Though some would argue that sex, no matter your age, should be treated seriously and only engaged in with someone you love. I wrote a bit about this in another post: (Scroll down to the ‘Becoming an Adult’ section). For me personally, it comes down to confidence and self-respect. When you’re a teenager, you’re a lot more vulnerable in general. You still (usually) live with your parents, are treated as a child by your parents and teachers, you don’t have the same responsibilities. It wasn’t until I went away to school that I really felt like I was on my own. And when you get that sense of responsibility, and the other responsibilities you have in life compound, that’s when you really develop confidence and surety in yourself. When you’re a teenager, surrounded by friends and in a more or less ruthless high school environment, you’re far more susceptible to judgement and cruelty. Don’t get me wrong, the outside world is just as cruel, but as an adult you’re far more prepared for it then when you’re a teen.
      But do I think teens think sex and love are the same thing? I would argue even adults think that way! I’ve been in so many relationships where I thought I was in love with the other person. Who knows if I really was? I certainly did think that at the time. I’m 31 now and recently married, and only in this physical and mental space can I see that just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you’re well-suited to each other. Sure I loved previously boyfriends, but our values, dreams, goals and attitudes did not match, and we were not well-suited enough to make a marriage or permanent union.

      Right now I’m watching the Killing on Netflix, season 3. It’s all about these 12-14 year old prostitutes, and I can’t help but think how their adult male clients are sick. It’s giving me a new perspective on this blog post and what people think of sexually-active teenagers. I think safe, protected and consensual sex amongst teenagers – when both parties have respect for themselves and each other – is perfectly normal. Anything else is I’m suspicious of.

  36. Scott Scott

    “But do I think teens think sex and love are the same thing? I would argue even adults think that way!” Thinking along these lines sort of made things click for me. I’ve thought this subject to death at this point, and I’ve finally been able to put my intuitions into a few sentences. I think adults and young teens can’t really connect in the way two equals can, the adult can see this, but the younger person can’t. And no one starts out knowing that the intense feelings of love and lust and infatuation that we all have do not mean you share an all important eternal connection to someone. Those feelings will come and go. You have to experience the start and end of a couple relationships to realize that you have to guard yourself a little, to keep from feeling the hurt of rejection. You also have to understand that what matters in a relationship is how good you are together, not that the other person passes your bar. It’s a cliche, but these feelings don’t come with a warning label.

    So if you play the scenario out in your head: an adult, whose main interest in a younger person is sex, convinces the younger person that they have a special connection in order to get it. The younger person doesn’t realize that the connection is completely one sided, and gives in to the intense romantic feelings that people have when they’re young and inexperienced and falls madly in love….the idea that once they’ve gotten what they wanted, the adult would then turn around and say “listen, I was only playing around” is absurd.

    There’s something really anxiety producing about being confused in general, but especially about a scary subject like this. I think your replies have helped a lot, so thanks. Does this all seem right to you?

    • I think I understand what you’re saying. I guess I would caution against saying that all adults who are with younger significant others are using them for sex. I mean, I can’t speak from experience, and I’m wracking my brain trying to think of an example where an older person had a healthy sexual relationship with a younger person. And I just can’t think of one. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist, I just think it’s not very common because of what we talked about – different maturity levels, different physical developments, and in totally different places in life.
      Actually, I wanted to message you about the latest news about Milo Yiannopoulos and the fire he’s facing for saying that a 14-year-old can give consent for sex. Now – I’m not a fan of Milo, I think he is grotesque – but I understand and relate to his comments about sex at 14, as obviously I had sex at that age with a peer and it was consensual. Have you been following that story? Does it give you another perspective from what we talk about here? I definitely don’t agree with his argument that consent is basically overrated, but I have heard before that an age gap in a homosexual relationship helps the younger partner feel more confident about their sexuality – perhaps that’s because of the discrimination and confusion they face when they’re first coming out. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts about it…

  37. Scott Scott

    I think I sort of agree with Milo on one thing, which is that the word consent is sort of confusing. The word consent is straightforward when it comes to rape, and when it comes to sex with young children, which is another form of rape. But it’s less straightforward when it comes to adolescents who are just starting their sexual lives. If you get what sex is, and you want it, and you can do it with a peer and come out feeling like it was a positive experience, then why can’t you consent? This is why I felt confused. But having thought about it a lot, it think I’m correct in thinking that as an adult, you would be playing the child for sex, and then leave them feeling like their trust was used against them. And again, really young people don’t know to hold back their feelings and protect themselves from being hurt, which explains quotes like this one from a reddit board: “We slept together and he ended up dumping me right before he left. Saying I was traumatized… Is almost an understatement, like I full on mental break down and almost killed myself over it.” (she was 14, he was 18)

    As for Milo, I don’t think he’s a very good thinker. Just because the word consent doesn’t exactly apply to the situation doesn’t mean it’s ok for an adult to use someone really young for sex. This is a thoughtful reply to the Milo incident I found recently:

    What do you think?

    • An incredible story by Luke Turner. I’m always amazed when people share these personal stories (maybe that’s why I felt compelled to share mine). I think it helps us all to understand how these things happen. Plus I think talking about these experiences makes it safe for other people to come out, share their story, and get the support they need. I do feel bad for Milo as a victim of sexual abuse. Perhaps Luke Turner and I are the only ones who feel sorry for him! Ironic considering I’m a feminist and Milo thinks feminism is cancer. Hopefully this will be a wakeup call for him to embrace empathy and welcome “alternative” perspectives – like feminism – with respect.
      In terms of consent, two court cases came up recently in Canada (my home country) regarding two women who were sexually assaulted whilst under the influence of alcohol. Case 1: Case 2:

      The women had no memory of these events, and there was evidence that they were passed out during the act. In the one case, the judge ruled that drunk people can consent to sex. Well…if you’ve ever been drunk to the point of blackout (which I have once in my life) you can astest that consent given whilst drunk is just as messy as drunk sex.
      I can understand how consent *could* be confusing for a man, but as a woman, I don’t find the concept confusing at all. Perhaps because I have never been in a position where there was any confusion over whether or not I was consenting to sex. If there’s ever any question or doubt, then it’s a good sign that it’s not consent! If ever in doubt – ask and ask repeatedly. There is no harm in saying “Are you sure you want to have sex?” multiple times.
      But the point of my personal perspective was that I gave consent under the legal age of consent, and therefore, it wasn’t “legally” possible or acknowledged as consent. But that’s why the context is important. The issue of consent comes up when charges are pressed and one person believes that consent was not given. In my situation, neither one of us contested that consent was not mutual – it very much was. Furthermore, if the situation was treated as a violation of the law – and I’m not a lawyer so don’t hold me to this – I can’t imagine how charges would be pressed. Maybe my parents and his parents would be held responsible as we were under the legal age. But I can’t imagine that that would hold up in a court of law.
      Like everything else we’ve talked about – there are exceptions to every rule. That’s why I feel as though it’s difficult to issue a blanket statement or perspective on sexuality. There are things we would all agree on as being inappropriate or morally wrong, but there are also many things we would disagree on. Which is why we have laws and rules around sex: it has to be consensual and it has to be with people of a certain age. Obviously I broke one of these rules. Does that mean that I think it’s a silly rule? Definitely not. I think it’s important to protect fundamental rights of the person, and that involves protecting them from bodily harm or violence. I think it’s very reasonable to say that under 16 years of age you can’t legally be held to consent for sex. I personally think I was an outlier in terms of my maturity and readiness for sex, as was my partner at the time.

      • Scott Scott

        I am grateful whenever anyone puts their story out there, because I’ve benefited a lot from the info. I’m finding that there are a lot of experiences I wouldn’t have understood unless someone had told me what it was like.

        “I can understand how consent *could* be confusing for a man, but as a woman, I don’t find the concept confusing at all.” Ah! I could have been clearer here about what I think. I completely agree that consent is a straightforward concept in most cases, including the legal cases you linked. I agree that “I was confused” or “she sent mixed messages” are not excuses. I just meant that the picture people have in their heads of someone not consenting, i.e. someone shaking their head, someone pushing someone else off, don’t necessarily match situations between adolescents and adults. I agree that it makes sense to have the legal age at 16. That way people who are taken advantage of have a tool they can use to defend themselves. And obviously if neither party feels cheated, then the law doesn’t have to enter into it, as was your case.

        I am also Canadian, and according to:, the age of consent in Canada is 16, but 18 when the relationship is between someone with any kind of authority over another. There is also a close in age concept here that makes it legal for people under 16 to have sex with people who are within a few years of them, which makes perfect sense given the kind of experience you were able to have. Obviously the legal system is trying to fit in with the experiences people actually have.

        I wish I didn’t take so long to respond to you by the way, but I have a headache that goes along with the OCD most days, and it makes reading and writing difficult. I sort of have to be in the right frame of mind, and have nothing else to do later that day.

        • Thanks for sharing that link! It’s interesting to read about the “close in age” gap. All this time I worried about being a criminal. It also makes me feel less devious to be writing about it publicly and responding to adolescents under the age of 16. I’m sorry to hear about your OCD-induced headaches. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Have you ever thought about writing about your experience or sharing it somehow? I’m sure it would help a lot of people…

          • Scott Scott

            I’d like to write a short pamphlet for others with pure-o. I think if someone had written one for me it would have saved me from a lot of unnecessary stress. I might get to work on that once I’m through whatever phase I’m currently in, and the headaches subside. I’ll let you know if I do.

  38. Lori Lori

    Hi, i’m lori.
    I think about sex a lot. I am scared of it though. i was abused at age 11. i’m 13 now turning 14. My first sexual experience was forced upon me. i still consider myself a virgin since there was no connection between him and i. Should i be scared? My boyfriend lives in a different county then i do.
    i really want to have sex with him. is it bad that i’m 13 and is eager to do this with him? Even though with my past? i told him about my situation but he said he doesn’t jugde me. I don’t believe that. I love him. i really do but i have many insecurities.
    I feel fat, ugly and worthless. We have mentioned Sexting but i let my insecurities get the best of me. Do you have any pointers as what i should do?
    Another topic is that my parents are strict. they never let me do anything unless they are around. i had my crazy time when i was friends with certain people. i drank and smoked but i always made sure i did good in school. but anyways my parents shame me and has called me a whore.
    They told me that they were disgusted in me when i was molested. Is this TMI? i hope i don’t bother you with this.
    i don’t know who to go to that will help me learn more about sex. i don’t know that when i do start having sex to where i’m going to buy protection or pills. My parents can’t find out. at all. they’d probably beat the hell out of me. my boyfriend and i haven’t really talked a whole lot about sex. he says he just inexperienced as i am. but i honestly don’t think that’s true. Can you give me advice? is wanting sex at my age so bad? can you help me?

    • Tori – thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with me. There is no such thing as TMI on my blog. In fact, I’m changing the tagline of my blog to that right now. I am so incredibly sorry that you had to go through that experience of being sexually abused alone. No one should have to go through something like that without love, support and the swift hand of justice. In all honesty, what your parents should have done is called the police, charges should have been laid, and that person should be in jail. If you were my daughter, I would likely be the one facing jail time, because I would want to kill or seriously harm whoever did that to you. I probably shouldn’t say that because violence is never the answer….justice is.

      Are you still in contact with the person who abused you? I strongly encourage you to come forward and tell an adult about it like your teacher or principal. They are legally obliged to support you and believe you. If you don’t come forward and report it, there’s a good chance this person will do this to someone else, and that’s not right. He had NO RIGHT to do that to you. Also – the reaction from your parents is downright shameful. They should be disgusted in themselves. You are better than these people and you deserve better than this in life.

      I have never been the victim of sexual abuse, nor do I know anyone personally who has. I have, however, read many memoirs and watched lots of documentaries about the victims of sexual assault and from what I know feeling worthless is a very common side effect. I can tell you right now – I don’t even need to see you to know – that you are NOT fat, ugly and worthless.

      You deserve to feel happy and safe, and live free from violence. This is a fundamental human right that you are entitled to as a human being. I know you didn’t reach out to me to ask for help about being abused, but it’s very important that you have someone to talk to about this. People who experience trauma and don’t get the help and support they need to recover can go down a very dangerous and self-destructive path in life (heck, even those of us who haven’t experienced trauma go through this).

      I think you need to speak with someone about this who might be able to help you better than I can. There’s a great teen hotline in California, I believe it’s all teenagers who answer the calls. You can get them to text you too (just text TEEN to 839863). It’s also confidential

      In the meantime, I think it’s really important that you look after yourself and focus 100% on you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a boyfriend, nor am I saying you shouldn’t have sex (you should do whatever is right for you), but I would advise you not to rush into it. I think the number one thing you should do is find a support group and someone to talk to aside from your boyfriend. Personally, I think sexting is a bad idea regardless of the situation or age. Teenagers are ruthless (no offence) so I wouldn’t trust anyone, not even my best friend, to have a naked picture of me. I’ve heard so many horror stories of these pictures getting leaked or being shared with friends, and before you know it everyone in the school has seen you naked.

      I get that you’re a human being who wants to have sex. I was totally in your shoes at 14. No amount of advice would have stopped me if I set my mind to it. Your hormones are raging at that age and it’s totally biologically normal for you to feel horny. Any time I offer advice on this blog I preface it by saying that this is the advice that I would do if I were in your situation. And what I would do is speak to someone about your abuse first, someone you can trust and that can actually help you (rather than being useless by calling you a whore – again, your parents make me so angry, by that’s neither here nor there). Then I would deal with the horniness next by masturbating. I wrote a blog post about that, you might find it helpful:

      Only once I did these two things would I start thinking about having sex with another person. It’s critical that you can say yes to every single thing in this checklist before you even think about having sex:

      That includes securing access to condoms and/or birth control. If you can’t get a hold of these then you definitely cannot have sex. (If you think your parents finding out you buying condoms would be tough, imagine telling them that you were pregnant or had AIDS?)

      There are sexual health clinics and Planned Parenthood Clinics throughout the US – and if you hurry to one, you might be able to get access before Trump closes them all down (joking/not joking).

      Planned Parenthood is amazing (I’m told). They will definitely be able to help you with birth control, advice, and definitely someone to talk to in person. You can find the nearest clinic on their website: They may also be able to offer you free and confidential counselling. Give them a call to see if you have to arrange an appointment before visiting the clinic.

      I hope this advice was helpful? You’re the first person I’ve spoken to on this blog who has experienced sexual abuse, and I wish I could offer you better advice. It’s very important that you start dealing with that trauma now. Just take one step and call the hotline or your planned parenthood. You don’t need to break it off with your boyfriend at all, but I think you owe it to yourself to just cool it when it comes to having sex with another person. You need to practice some self-love, and dedicate that loving energy to the most important person in the world: YOU.

      Write me back on here or on brookerutherford[at]outlook[dot]com if you want to talk some more.

      -BR xx

  39. Mary Carol Mary Carol

    Ehi,well i need help because I really feel a mess right now. A 17 years old guy asked me if I wanted to have sex with him when I came back home ( I’m living in Lisbon since September) and I’m the conversation I said yes but I wasn’t even sure. He is not virgin but I am and I think it would be kind of embarrassing for me. I like him, he’s a friend but he thinks I’m 15 and I’m 14 1/2. People always said my body showed up I was older then my real age and yeah, I’d like to do it but I don’t know what will come next and I like him, it’s a crush (maybe) , and I know that I will need to take all the preventions ever , but I need an advice, any advice ,that’s alright with me…thanks if you answer 😉

    • By the time you read this, I’m sure your love life has totally changed (if I remember correctly what it was like to be a teenager 🙂 )

      I’m glad you’re aware that you must have birth control and condoms (condoms for sure at least). Do not have sex without one. STDs are on the rise and it’s because people are not protecting themselves – so make sure you don’t have sex without a condom.

      Do you know this guy well and trust him? I do think it’s important to only have sex with someone you know well and trust implicitly, at least for your first time and at 14 and ½!

      I personally do not know what it’s like to have sex for the first time with someone who is not a virgin. I can only imagine you may feel a bit embarrassed or self-conscious, and that’s a totally normal. Sex is a super personal act. Someone is seeing you completely naked and is experiencing intimate details of your body — it’s kind of a big deal. Especially if you aren’t mentally and physically ready for it.

      My only advice is not to rush into things. Let him chase you, and don’t have sex with him just because he asked you to. I’ve heard of so many young women who have have sex with older guys just because they wanted to please them. Usually they end up heartbroken because they did it for the wrong reasons, and because of this the guy took a piece of their spirit away.

      I’m not saying all situations are like this, but you should be mindful of it and proceed with caution.

      My personal policy is this: If it’s not a HELL YEAH, then it’s a no.

      I hope this helps? Let me know what you decide (you can email me brookerutherford[at]


  40. Sarah Sarah

    Hey, I am 14 years old and I’ve been talking to this senior at my school. We talk about sexual things and I really like him and I want to have sex with him but I am not sure what people will think of me. I am nervous about sex… like I’ve never done it before and it’s just really nerve wracking. My parents would kill me if I did do it but we have met up without my parents knowing before…. I am not really popular and there is this other guy I am talking to. He likes me and I like him but I don’t know what will happen if me and this other guy go public.

    • Contrary to what you say, it sounds like you’re very popular! Two guys on your radar…how exciting! Reminds me of high school and uni. Those were the days…

      Well, I’ll say this — don’t have sex just because some senior is talking to you about it and you feel like you should. That’s not a good reason to have sex, especially at 14.

      If I were you I’d play the two of them a bit and see which one develops into something more real. By holding back you give yourself more options. And besides, at your age, you shouldn’t rush into sex or just do it for the sake of it.

      I was really to have sex at 14, I wasn’t nervous about it, I was just excited. Perhaps that’s because my boyfriend and I were on the same page, we were the same age, had the same level of experience, and had great chemistry together.

      It I was in your situation, I would take it slow. I’m sure this senior really likes you, but it’s not that uncommon for an older guy to prey on a younger girl, especially in high school. You want to be smart with this and make sure you demonstrate lots of self-respect (because that’s what gets you all the guys, and respect from your peers, and respect from your teachers…). I wrote an article about this on my blog, you might want to read it, it’s called “How to have sex and not be labeled a slut”:

      More importantly, try to enjoy this time in your life, being young and vibrant and 14! What an amazing age. Play the field! Don’t get too wrapped up in one person unless it’s someone you really like and they have a tremendous amount of respect for you.

      I hope this advice helped?

  41. Sarah Sarah

    Hey it’s me Sarah again,
    Me and this senior have sent nudes back and forth and I’m scared if I stop talking to him hen he will tell people at my school…. and it might get told to my parents. The other guy my age was going to ask me out yesterday but he got too nervous, I don’t know what o do yet!,!

    • Definitely don’t send him any more nudes, especially if you don’t trust him to keep them private. And don’t keep talking to him or sleep with him out of fear. Those are bad reasons to have any kind of a relationship, no matter how casual.

      I’m lucky that nudes weren’t really a thing until I was in my 20s. I certainly sent nude pictures, but it was long after the dramas of high school.

      If I were you, I would be prepared to cut my losses. If he tells people, well then that sucks and he’s an asshole. You’ll just have to deal with the fallout and learn from your mistakes.

      I wouldn’t send pictures to anyone that you wouldn’t want distributed in public. Because some guys are jerks and will just pass the photos around like it’s no big deal.

      Why don’t you ask the other guy out? Be confident and ask him – if he’s nervous to ask you, that means he likes you. Asking them out gives you the upper hand in a relationship, which is a great thing to have.

      Try not to stress about this senior guy or your pictures. But don’t give out any more nudes to anyone else. If they do get out, you don’t want people to know you’re handing out nudes to everyone. Keep this problem isolate to just that senior. Seriously, the excitement that you get from sending nudes will never outweigh the embarrassment and humiliation you will go through if they fall into the wrong hands. I know we live in culture where nudes are now commonplace, but by having a personal policy of not doing nudes, you stand out from all the other girls who are happy to put their tits and ass on display (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it can draw a certain amount of unwanted attention and it can have a negative impact on your reputation and respect).

      Not sure if this eases your worries at all?!

  42. Sarah Sarah

    Hey thanks for everything you’ve helped me with!!!!! That really helped me with everything…. any advice about drama with friends??

    • Glad it helped!

      Drama with friends is inevitable in high school and basically for the rest of your life lol. No I’m kidding, it gets better as you get older. But the key for me getting through high school was to make lots of friends with lots of different groups of people. I did that by joining clubs, going to dance class, making friends in my other classes.

      It helps to be confident, outgoing, and to not give too many fucks about what people think of you. Soemtimes you have to fake this confidence.

      The best thing you can do is develop and maintain a huge amount of self-respect. And the best way to do that is to find two interests or hobbies, and one has to be something physical. So whether you do swimming lessons, spin class, kick boxing (that was my activity of choice), or whatever, getting physically active helps you burn stress and makes you feel better about your body and yourself. Even if you’re not the gym type, do something that gets you moving, like yoga. The other interest could be academic, or something social. But if put a lot of effort into other areas of your life you will be happier, and you will not give a fuck about what people think of you (and they will admire you because of it, and you will earn their respect).

      That’s the only way you can minimize your exposure to friend drama – by having a lot of stuff going on in your life that you’re too busy to worry about theirs. Also – don’t take any shit from anyone. Bullies and bitches are all the same, they’re trying to feel better about themselves by putting others down. Usually, it’s because they’re deeply insecure, so if you call them on their behaviour, I guarantee they will back down. Long winded answer but I hope it helps too! I’m here if you ever want to ask me anything else! xx

  43. Olivia Olivia

    Hello, I have been discussing sex heavily with on of my close guy friends and we want to give it a try together. I have a condom ready for usage but no birth control pills.
    We are both 14 and both virgins.

    I am 100% ready for sex but I am petrified my mother or step-father will find out.
    Also we have to do it outdoors because we have no house that is parent free, is this safe?

    • Hi Olivia. Thanks for your message. Have you checked out my “sex ready checklist” yet? It’s by no means perfect and please don’t take it as permission to having sex, but hopefully, it will make you think about your decision a bit more to decide if having sex now at this point in time is right for you:

      That’s great that you have condoms, and I’m glad to hear you’ve had conversations about sex. Sex should definitely be something that we talk about, especially if we’re planning on having it! And condoms are 100% essential.

      Let’s be honest, no one wants to talk to their parents about sex, regardless of their age. I’m 32 now and even mentioning it to my parents creeps me out. But when you’re 14, you’re somewhat dependent on your parents if things go wrong, like if you get pregnant or contract an STI, especially if you live in a part of the world where reproductive health care is at risk (like the US). In the UK and Canada, you can visit and sexual health clinics and get the support you need without much difficulty. In the US it’s increasingly difficult, and many states require permission from both parents in order to have an abortion. So that’s something you should definitely consider if you live there as condoms are not always 100% effective, and there’s always a chance that something could happen.

      In terms of “doing it outside” – I personally have had sex outside, and I know many people who have. I can’t tell you if it’s safe as there are many things to consider. Is the proposed space private, is it free of broken glass or dangerous materials? Will you be comfortable? My biggest concern is that you feel safe, and I can’t make that call for you.

      Not sure if this has helped at all? I’m happy to answer any more questions that you have?

      • Olivia Olivia

        I’ve thought it over and I’ve decided to wait till 10th grade. I think that’s when I’m 100% for any consequences that could happen.

        • Glad to hear you’ve figured out what works for you! There’s never any harm in waiting.

          I’m not sure if you’re based in the US or not, but if so, it might be worth visiting a Planned Parenthood to proactively to speak to them about birth control before the US government shuts them down completely. Just an idea…


  44. Layla Layla

    This post is so encouraging becuase of all the shaming that goes to girl these days about these topics. Like you, I am 14 but I feel so much older. I’ve been through a lot medically and have become more independent and smart about my decisions. I have a guy friend and we both like each other a lot. The only reason we aren’t dating right now is because My parents are pretty strict, therefore, I can not see him except for in school and summer just started. 🙁 and I don’t want our relationship to be through texting. Anyways, we sext (we do not send pictures. He’s asked and I said no which he respected and hasn’t asked again) but we have been talking about sex a lot lately and I feel like I want to have sex with him becuase I trust him so much and I love him. He has never been rude and always respects my decisions. I have access to condoms and will not have sex without one. I can’t go to my mom about this because she’ll freak. I need a opinion to tell me if this age is a ok time to do it. Ik he won’t tell anyone but if it does happen to get out I don’t wanna be shamed. Also I’m scared of the pain. Although that’s the least of my worries. Ik Im ready physically because whenever we talk about it I get really turned on and really want to do it but then I have this spark of “what if” and I worry about everything. Hope you can give me some advice, thanks

    • Hi Layla. Thanks for reaching out. I’m glad you found someone you like and who likes you back AND respects you and your decisions (also major props to you for not sending naked pictures – smart girl).

      By the sounds of it, I’m guessing you guys haven’t been able to spend much time alone. Am I right? Have you already been somewhat intimate? Or have you only been “sexual” via texting? I ask because a few years back when I was really into online dating, I got to know some guys over messaging. We conversed for a few weeks, really hitting it off, and even started sexting. But then when we got together there was absolutely no chemistry and the sex was disappointing. We had basically talked all the magic and spontaneity out of it.

      What I’m trying to say is sometimes we can plan some things in our head and really build them up, but then when it comes down to it, the actual event is a bit disappointing.

      When I had sex with my boyfriend at 14, we had already done pretty much everything and could not keep our hands off each other. It was a natural progression to our relationship and there was no doubt in my mind that I was ready. My level of horny-ness and our sexual chemistry was such that I had little to no concerns. I knew sex for the first time was uncomfortable, but there was no way that that was going to stop me.

      The thing is, you want to make sure you feel good with him before you go all the way. So many young women go from 0 to sex without all the necessary steps in between. Sorry to use the lame baseball analogy, but I think it’s relevant here: You can’t score a home run without hitting first, second and third base.

      My advice is to take slow, progressive steps towards sex until you know the first time is going to be awesome. He should be really good at “getting you off” before you even allow his penis near your vagina. See what I mean?

      I wrote a post that talks a bit about this, you might find it enlightening:

      Basically, I wouldn’t have sex with him until you know he’s good at foreplay and getting you aroused. The best thing about sex is everything that happens to the lead up to. So take your time to enjoy that stage of your relationship. And once you’re truly ready, you’ll just know.

  45. T T

    i’m 14 and today might be the day i lose my virginity. i’m not scared and i just feel like it’s time; i’m moving country in two weeks and there’s a high possibility i’ll never see him again, he’s in my year at school (which should make the lessons i have with him a bit awkward in the last week of year nine). i’m usually someone who’s completely terrified to do anything intimate, but for some reason i’m just excited. we’ve been talking for a while & i’ve had feelings for him for about a year. we’ve got condoms and a free house…am i making a mistake? X

    • Hi T. I’m guessing by the time you read this it’s either moving day or you have already moved, in which case, you would have made your decision and potentially acted on it. I hope you’re ok and everything is fine, that you’re safe, healthy and happy and you’re looking forward to a new group of friends, new school, new everything!

  46. Amber Amber

    So I’m 14 too, but I’ve never really acted the correct age, probably due to growing up with depression.. but I met a boy, which we talked a lot, and started to like each other, and well he asked me out and we ended up dating. We’ve only been dating for about 4 months.. but he’s just really kind and knows what depression is like due to being bipolar himself. He always helps with me issues, and is there for me, and well he was unsure of sexual things. We started doing simple things, but yesterday we both made the decision to have sex, and agreed to take it easy. It hurt for me, so he’d stop until I was ready again. We used a lifestyle condom too, ironically. I don’t think it broke or anything, and he mostly precame, he came when I gave him a blowjob afterwards, we both kinda got tired and I was sore so he didn’t want to keep going if I didn’t want to. But he did put it in raw once, to see what it’s like, neither of us are sure if he precame or not, even so, is it likely I’d get pregnant if he did? We’re both just kind of worried about that.. and he’s older than me so it would cause a lot of problems.. I don’t want to ruin his life or mine with a baby. Some advice would be nice.. I don’t think I could confide in my parents though.

    • Hi Amber. Thanks for reaching out. I’m not going to scold you for not using a condom, but you have to know that any kind of direct, unprotected-penis-in-vagina can result in pregnancy. Sure it’s super unlikely, but it does happen to people. All you need is one tiny sperm to make its way to your egg and BAM! Preggers. Also, any kind of direct contact like that can spread diseases and infections. Most people believe they’re clean and healthy and they know their partner’s history, but you can’t always depend on that. I had a girlfriend once who only ever slept with her high school boyfriend. And sadly he gave her chlamydia. The only way to protect yourself is to use condoms each and every time. I know it’s not as sexy, and it may not “feel as good”, but you gotta look out for the most important person in this equation, and that is you.

      So now that that rant is over, what I suggest is you get a pregnancy test to see if you are in fact pregnant. And if you’re in the US I recommend you find your nearest Planned Parenthood and make an appointment to go see them asap (before the government of shuts them down). Speak to them, tell them what happened and let them know you want to explore birth control options so you can be well-protected in the future (my goal for you is to get through high school and your teenage years with zero unplanned pregnancies).

      If you are in fact American, it is key that you visit Planned Parenthood now and get all the resources you need (birth control, condoms, pap smear test), because you very well may lose access to this free resource. Hope this advice helped? Let me know if you have any other questions. xx

  47. jjennine jjennine

    I need some help.

    My mum found the pregnancy test and I’m 14, she said that I should of waited for a decent relationship and that I’m too young to have it.
    Side note- the test is negative and it was only the box she found

    I got into sexual stuff such as porn after being sexually assaulted. [she doesn’t know this] like I started out masturbating, testing my body parts. The usual

    Also the rape threats I sometime get online too doesn’t really help

    But my boyfriend is a on and off type of guy, one moment he loves being with me and the next, he wants to break up. I kind of regret losing it to him but to be honest but mostly because I feel ashamed and like I’ve disappointed my parents, friends also the school support; basically everyone.

    • Hi Jenny. Thanks so much for reading my blog. I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through tough times. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it’s all going to be ok (because it is). You must be a strong girl because you’ve survived all this shit and lived to tell about it! But strong girls need help and support too. So I want you to find a sexual assault referral centre closest to you ( )

      They have 24/7 phone lines so you can speak to someone at any point. You don’t have to give your name or report the person who assaulted you or anything if you don’t want. But someone will be able to help you and give you access to any of the support you may need. It’s free, it’s confidential, and they are experts at helping people who have been through what you have. You should not have to suffer alone.

      Also can I just say…. You + Not Pregnant = Awesome

      That is great news, one less thing you have to deal with right now…

      Now that you know how easy it is to get pregnant (or have a pregnancy scare) you must never have unprotected sex again – or until you’re at least 18. You can do whatever you want after that!

      If you and the bf used a condom but it broke (it happens), read the directions or watch a youtube video to make sure you’re putting it on right. If he puts it on, make sure he knows how to do it and don’t feel awkward to watch. Make sure he’s doing it right, and correct him if it’s not. It’s your life that would be ruined if you were pregnant, not his. Always always always use a condom. It’s so easy to get HPV or STDs today – sexual diseases are on the rise and you don’t want to contract them – they can be life-altering. Also, consider getting another method of birth control if you’re going to continue to have sex. No unplanned babies please!

      The last two bits of advice I’m going to share might be a little ruthless. But I’m an old woman now (32) and my patience for parents and boyfriends on this topic is wearing thin.

      I don’t know what your relationship with your mother is like, but if you were my daughter I would want you to tell me about the assault so I could help you and be there for you. And I would shut my judgemental-ass up about your sex life. I’m sure your mom has dated and/or slept with a few losers in her time (we all have). And she’s probably right. This guy sounds like a bell-end, knob, wanker, whatever you want to call him. He clearly does not deserve your time or energy, so give him the boot – in my opinion.

      Last point – “shame”

      Shame is a tool used by society to control and manipulate women. Do you think your bf feels shame for having sex? Do you think he worries about that? Of course not. I know it’s easier said than done, but the sooner you adopt a “Fuck What People Think” mantra, the better your life will be. You’ve been through a really, really, fucking horrible experience. You need to focus on healing and self-love. You need to be 100% all about you. About making yourself happy. Read, sleep, exercise, go for walks, play with your pets, watch movies, colour, cook, pick up a hobby, hang out with friends, read trashy magazines…just focus on you right now. Everyone else can take a backseat.

      I don’t know if this advice was helpful? I’m sending lots of love and positive vibes to you tonight.

  48. Protective mama Sid Protective mama Sid

    Loved your article. I’m a mother of a 14 year old whom made the decision of becoming sexual active. She’s been dating this boy for almost 11 months now. She approached me when they got serious about taking this step. Honestly I hopped she waited longer but She though she was ready. I toke her to see a OBGYN and she’s on the pill. I also supply her with condoms and replenish it from time to time. The boy is over very frequently and for what I observe and what she tells me they have a healthy relationship. I do give them the freedom/access to her bedroom and from the moment I learn that she had made her mind I permitted her to spent time alone at his house. I no longer ask if his parents will be there. They have been quite discret about there activities. Never heard a single noise. She has token full responsibility over her pill and never missed one (few months now) However from time to time I question my aproche to this. Am I setting her up for future harsh times? I know I’m going to be judged but I don’t want to have the “Not under my ruff” rule knowing they will be having sex. Only god know where….
    I have some communication with his parents and I know he has a very open dialog at home. They are aware as much as I am.

    • First and foremost, thank you so much for your supportive comment. Receiving positive words from a parent is a first for me, and from a mother no less! (I’ve had messages from a father before, but he called me a terrorist. I suspect he wasn’t very enlightened…or intelligent for that matter.)

      I have great admiration and respect for the relationship you’ve created with your daughter. I think it’s amazing that she trusts and confides in you, and that you support her in this step towards adulthood. So few parents execute this stage in parenting well (if at all). I also think her maturity and responsibility is a testament to your exceptional parenting. I think you should be very proud.

      I realise not being a parent myself kind of disqualifies me from speaking about parenting with any expertise, but I think I speak for most adolescent girls when I say your approach is the right approach, and one we so desperately need in our society today.

      I’ve seen first hand what happens when young women are ill-equipped to handle the barrage of sexual attention that comes with adolescence. You really need to have a strong foundation of self-confidence and self-respect as a woman to battle your way through it. Part of establishing that confidence and self-respect is embracing sexuality and not being ashamed of it, and realising that it is ok to have safe, consensual sex. And realising it’s not ok when people attempt to shame you for it.

      I guess to answer your question, are you setting her up for future harsh times? I would disagree. I think you’re setting her up for success. She knows how to protect herself, she has access to contraception and knows how to use it, and she does so with discretion, which further demonstrates that she has respect for you. What more could a parent ask for?

      Contrary to my mother’s liberalness, she was old-fashioned in regards to having boys sleep over. Which I didn’t mind at the time and don’t have a strong opinion about now. She said she did that to protect us, and I see where she’s coming from.

      My aunt, on the other hand, allowed her son’s girlfriend to stay over. They would leave condoms in the trash, and she would emerge with hickies all over her decollage. Clearly neither one of them had respect for themselves or my aunt. Interestingly enough, the two of them still live in my aunt’s basement. They are both regular drug users and battle mental illness.

      Is there a correlation? Perhaps. Though I think it has more to do with my aunt failing to command respect, which in turn meant that her son had no respect for himself, either. (I believe respect is key and earning it requires that you command it of yourself and from others.)

      I think you’re doing a great job and I’m so glad you shared your parenting approach with me. I hope one day to be able to have a relationship like that with my future children. Thank you for being an inspiration. I hope your daughter knows how lucky she is to have a mom like you!


  49. Protective mama Sid Protective mama Sid

    Thank you for the reply and for sharing your experience and your observations. I can totally see how too much freedom without any boundaries or expectations for both personal responsibly and respect can back fire. And think because you don’t have kids yet your option is less important or valid. Again thank you

    • I was always grateful for the level of boundaries we had as teenagers. We didn’t have many boundaries, but the ones we did have my mother strongly enforced.

      When I was 13 years old I had a close friend whose parents had divorced. Kind of a cliche story: The dad, a doctor, had an affair with his nurse, and my friend’s mother had a mental breakdown. She received a really nice house in the settlement and would allow us to hang out, often supplying us with booze and cigarettes. She was clearly losing her grip, and my mother did not like me hanging around there. One night my mom showed up to “stand her ground” and reclaim me. It was hugely embarrassing and I was mortified at the time. Shortly after, my friend stopped coming to school, and that’s when I started to excel academically.

      The structure my mother provided and her protectiveness definitely steered me back on the right path. There were other factors involved too (I had an excellent teacher who really believed in me and gave me tough love). But I do think back at that time as a turning point in my life, and my friend’s. Sadly, her mother lost the house, and died a few back of a drug overdose, and my friend never completed her freshman year (to my knowledge). I think of that story as an example of what can go wrong when children/teenagers aren’t provided with the basic structures they need to succeed.

      My husband and I often talk about how we want to raise our kids – if we’re lucky to be blessed with children – and this is something we believe in strongly. Being firm, fun and fair parents that help kids grow into well-adjusted adults with all the skills they need to succeed. I’m sure once we have kids all that idealism will go out the window! But that’s my aim.

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